


Falling Stars

by mamgt



Category: Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), Zendaya (Musician), tom holland - Fandom
Genre: F/M, PeterMJ - Freeform, Romance, Slow Burn, Spideychelle, TomDaya, contemporary, young adult
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 09:17:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16281869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mamgt/pseuds/mamgt
Summary: What happens when Z starts falling for Tom





	1. Every Word Feels Like A Shooting Star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Terrified by Katherine McPhee

“Shit!”

“What?” Darnell said as he pulled the breaks to a red light that almost sent me flying face-flat on the dashboard. “Did we forget something? Noon. Where’s noon?” he frantically looked around and saw my black Standard Schnauzer at the back seat of the car. Noon lifted his head at the sound of his voice. Darnell put his hand on his chest and let out a sigh of relief, “Okay, good. He’s here.” He looked at me and said, “So what did we forget miss Zendeesha? Your brushes? Because I swear, I remember packing them.”

“Shit. Shit. Shit.” I said, a little softer this time, just under my breath.

“What? What? What?”, Darnell whispered back.

I stared at the red light, unknown to me that my mouth was wide open until Darnell’s hand touched my chin and pushed it up to close it. I shook out off my trance and looked at Darnell’s face. “It’s nothing.” I said, shaking off the idea in my head. This was not possible. THIS was not happening.

“No, it’s NOT nothing. Tell me. Tell me so we can go back for it. Is it your phone? Obviously it’s not your phone because you’ve been smiling at it the whole time. What is it? Your weave?” He pulled my hair teasingly.

“No! My weave is here!” I exclaimed. 

“Thought it got SNA-tched! What is it then?” he sassed.

“Nothing. Just go! Green light, hello?” I pointed at the stoplight and he stepped on it. He babbled on about if I left something, it was too late to go back for it now. His voice drowned in my sea of thoughts crashing around like waves on a rock. It was like a storm was coming. 

I don’t know if I should tell Darnell. I mean, he’s already like a brother, a mother, a grandmother, all wrapped into one. There’s nothing I could hide from him but I’m not really hiding anything. I’m just not sure. I don’t know if, if what I’m feeling… if it’s something.

I realized that it had grown quiet. I don’t know how long it has been since Darnell stopped talking but then there was a buzz inside the car. I decided to turn on the radio to distract myself. I switched to different stations until I found something I liked. “‘Yonce” played but I couldn’t enjoy it. The thoughts pervaded. Maybe I just needed to go to bed. I was probably just caught in the moment. Tomorrow, I’m sure this will go away. It was just a moment. It’s just been so long since… since… I won’t even say his name. He doesn’t bring back good memories.

We pulled up to my house. The headlights beamed on the garage door as it opened, letting us in. Darnell stopped the car and turned off the engine. I was about to go out when he grabbed my wrist.

“Tell me what’s wrong, sugar.” I looked at him and his caring eyes. I hate that he knows. He reads me so well. I can’t hide this from him. Maybe he will even help me figure it out so I sat back down. He let go of my wrist and I closed the door. 

“You’ve been quiet the rest of the ride home, you didn’t even sing to ‘Yonce. You love ‘Yonce. You were smiling one minute and then the next, you gapin’ at the red light like it’s the first time you seen one. What’s wrong?” His wide eyes waited for an answer. His gonna read it in me anyways, I might as well tell him. But what if I feel different in the morning? What if, it was just a glitch in my system? What if tomorrow, what I feel now is gone and this whole situation was blown up for nothing, overly dramatic, almost desperate.

I tell him anyways. 

“I think I’m falling for Tom…” 

I stared hard into the my darkened garage. TI didn’t want to look at Darnell. The garage door had closed in on us, there was nothing but the dim light casting over the car and the words that had left my mouth. I felt the embarrassment creeping up under my skin and if your girl could blush, she would. 

Darnell chuckled. 

HE. CHU-CKLED. 

Did Darnell just laugh at me? I knew this was stupid. I looked at him with shock, disappointment, and even maybe hurt. Who was I kidding? It WAS stupid. “Stop laughing at me!” I squealed and hit his arm.

“Ouch!” he exclaimed but he laughed harder. “Oh!” he said as he was trying to simmer down his laughter, “Daya!”, still laughing. “O’ course you are!” 

—————————————————————————————————————

Where do I begin? I don’t think people ever know when they start liking someone. We all find ourselves, already there, in the middle of all of it. In the middle of all the madness. 

Honestly, you have to give me credit. I haven’t liked anyone for so long after my ex-boyfriend and it’s been hard to actually catch feelings for a guy and not for one minute think, “But maybe he’ll find someone better.” THAT’s what happens when you cheat on someone. You leave them with doubt. Even when you’ve left them, that doubt stays. People see me and think I possess so much confidence. They don’t even know, I had to climb through deserts and mountains to get here. No amount of love feels like it could replace the love that betrayed you. Not your mother’s, not your father’s, and not your fans’. You realize that outside blood, maybe no one could love you if that one person you chose to trust, could break it.

That was then. Like I said, deserts and mountains. There is a love that can replace betrayal. Your love. Love for yourself. That is something no one else can take away and it is the one thing you can ask for and it will always be given to you if you choose to. Control. Something that is mine, and mine alone. Maybe in the process, I put walls up so I wouldn’t feel the same hurt ever again but I’m okay now. I put them down because there’s me. I will always have me.

Then he came along.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t think we would get along very well. I was so used to my group of friends who had the same humor and same stories, especially struggles about being black that this boy, Tom, would be the last person on earth I’d catch feelings for. I doubted that a friendship with him could even last. Sure, we could get along on the set while filming, interviews, and other press conferences but outside of that, I didn’t think we would really hit it. I mean, we barely had any scenes together in the film. Even during interviews, we were in separate rooms. We filmed some commercials here and there but never enough to actually develop into something.

But it did. At least, for me. I hadn’t realized how much I enjoyed myself in his company. I kept teasing him and joking around with him that he went under the radar. No walls up, unlike the other guys I had after my ex. I believed so much in the idea that we were two different people that I didn’t see him coming, swinging like Spiderman (haha) to steal hearts since ’95 (haha, again!). 

I liked his company and I think he liked mine. We kept inviting each other to hang out like thanksgiving and family gatherings, to my thinking— as friends. I’ve had those before. I had a lot of guys friends that’s why I didn’t think I could…like this one. What made him so special? Is it because he’s Spiderman? I mean, he plays him but he’s not really him. We don’t even have romantic scenes together. I’d understand if I fell for instance, for Zac Efron, lord knows at age 11 I liked him. I think every girl whose ever seen High School Musical has swoon over star-crossed lover Troy Bolton. Yet, it’s him. Tom Holland.

I can’t tell you the exact moment when I fell for him but I can tell you the moment I realized, I was knee-deep into it. 

I was flying back home from Australia where I did The Greatest Showman Press Tour. As I waited in the airport, I was snapchatting Tom as usual. We joked with each other relentlessly and even miles apart, I could feel the comfort of his presence as if he were right beside me. I couldn’t stop giggling. He would send stupid things and it would be so easy to drag him. 

Then, he sent a manip of us and it looked so real. It was a picture of Tom and me holding hands. Obviously, it wasn’t real but that’s what manips are for, they manipulate pictures to make them seem real.

“I didn’t know we were dating.” His message accompanying the photo said. There were rumors, of course. We’ve gotten so close that other people were starting to notice. It’s part of being a celebrity. We had crushed all speculations on Twitter already but it was still funny to bring it up from time to time. People can be ridiculous. Or so I thought. I played along. I searched for manips I could send back. When I found one, I sent it to him.

“How they actually make us look like we in love???” is what I said. It was a red carpet picture of us where I was smiling up (or down because he’s smaller) at Tom like he was pizza, and everyone knows how much I love pizza. I laughed at how witty I was, and then Tom typed back:

“Uh.. Z..That’s a real picture of us.” 

No it’s not…Shit.

My eyes grew big and I scrolled up at the picture I sent and looked it at again. How could I think this was a manip? I was there when this picture happen, duh. That’s me right there in blue. But, the way I was looking at him…Huh. I had to bounce back from this. My pride was something I cherished. I scrambled to type the words: 

“I know, that was the point HAHA.” Maybe he’ll get it. With all the rumors and the fake pictures, sending this one was also a joke. Right? They make the fake ones seem so real that he’ll get it. I was being sarcastic. Right?! 

I waited for his reply. “Z!” Darnell called. They’re starting to board the airplane. Oh no. I wouldn’t be able to see his reply once I get one. “Wait! Hold up! Just give me a second!” I shouted back to Darnell as he was already walking towards the stewardess, ready to take his ticket and mine. “No Z! We gotta go! I already gave your ticket!” So I ran up to him, looking one last time at my phone.

As I found my seat in the plane, I opened my phone and still no message. Oh no. I don’t know why I was panicking. I mean, there was nothing that I sent that was wrong but why do I feel like I need to retract what I did? I read back through our messages, looking for something I said. I was just teasing. We always did this. What made this time so different? I kept scrolling through our messages, which wasn’t many since snapchat deletes your conversation. I looked at the picture again and finally locked my phone.

I couldn’t sleep on the whole ride back to America. I kept opening and locking my phone until the battery died out. Frustrated, I dropped inside my bag and stared outside the window and put my hand on it. The wind outside was cold or it was the air-conditioning of the plane that made it fog up.

The picture came up again in my head. I think we just look good together but it doesn’t mean anything. Couples in Hollywood always look good together but it doesn’t mean they like like each other. I don’t know why the photo bothered me so much. Maybe the people who were shipping us are getting to me.

You know how when you’re a kid and people tease you for the first time with someone, you kind of develop a crush for them? But after, you realize you really didn’t. If it weren’t for the teasing, you wouldn’t have liked the dude. I think this was what was happening now. It was just a lot of fans putting us together.

Do I really look like I was flirting with him? Was I?

I think I did. It looked like I was flirting with him. I-I didn’t know… Does he? Does he think I’m flirting with him? Am I? Was I? Suddenly, all these question were flowing out and I couldn’t stop them. My eyes were tired but my mind kept going throughout the whole flight. As we got down from the plane, I decided that I was going to push these thoughts aside. Those shippers are getting to me. Tom is just a friend. I need to remember that. I need to believe that.

I slept like a baby that night. The next morning, I found myself calm, no wondering about what Tom meant to me anymore.

You see? I just needed to sleep.

Which was true because my day was packed. I had to hustle. I had several meetings and interviews for The Greatest Showman. I felt like I was becoming myself again. I did so much in one day that I hadn’t had a moment with my phone. I finally got it handed to me by Darnell who had charged it for me. They day had died out and we were driving back home. I forgot that Tom hadn’t replied yet so when I opened my phone, I didn’t think there was anything I needed to brace myself for.

“I miss you”

That’s all it said. 

I remember watching cartoons where cupid comes and pulls an arrow and it hits someone right in the chest. Did you ever wonder like I did as child, did that hurt? I mean, it was an arrow? 

I can tell you for myself it did hurt. It was a pang to the chest like a big blow that could send me miles backwards out into the backseat of the car I was sitting in. I think there was even a sound. I wonder if Darnell heard it. He didn’t seem to because he just kept driving.

The pain was apparent. Making known it’s presence to me. I thump to the chest and then it sent goosebumps to the other parts of my body. I didn’t know I had been smiling the entire time this was happening. It wasn’t pain, just a really strong feeling. It was the same feeling you get while riding a rollercoaster for the first time. The build up, the second before it all releases and you’re catapulted into swirls and twists and turns. When it’s all over, it leaves you with a tingling feeling. That’s how I felt.

Three words. Three words and it took me on a rollercoaster ride. What did this mean? Why did those words matter? Didn’t we say this to each other before? I actually don’t know but friends say they miss each other, right? I say it to Kamil and he’s a guy. I say it to my guy friends back in Oakland. 

Why did it matter now?

“Shit!” I like him. I just know it. No, I FELT it. I felt it not just in my heart but all the way to my gut. How could he possibly type those words and turn me into this big ball of confused?? Three words? I’m going crazy over three words? Maybe it’s because I was caught off guard. It didn’t really connect to the last thing we talked about. You know what I mean? 

But I can’t deny that…feeling. “Shit. Shit. Shit.” 

“What? What? What?” replied Darnell.

I can’t have feelings for this boy! It’s going to complicate things. What if he doesn’t like me back? Do I want him to like me? Do I REALLY like him? I don’t know how it feels to like someone anymore. It’s been too long. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is actually real. What if what I’m feeling is an effect of having been single for so long? What if it’s not? 

I told Darnell off. I can’t tell him yet, not when I’m not sure of what THIS is. I spent the rest of the ride home trying to figure it out, sort through these emotions. I realized, I hadn’t replied back. What do I say? I miss you too is what you say. Nothing implied. Just reciprocation. It’s so weird. Ever since that pang in the chest I feel like everyone can notice my actions, being a celebrity you would think I would get used to being under the microscope but this was different. These feelings weren’t here seconds before. Maybe they were but I never gave them notice but now, acknowledging them, I wonder how much I’ve given myself away already. 

“Tell me what’s wrong, sugar.” Darnell’s voice penetrated through my thoughts. I needed to tell him. Even if it’s a feeling now, at least I would have someone to figure it out with me. He might even tell me this, THIS feeling, is fleeting. It will be gone the next day. There was nothing to worry about.

“O’ course you are!”

“What?!” I said, exasperated.

“Girl, please. Did you just figure that out now?” Darnell kept laughing. My face was frozen in a state of shock.

“For real?!”

“…”

“Z, girl, I thought you’d be faster than that”, he said as he shook his head. “Sitting here, inhaling all this carbon-whatever, all for what? You realizing you like Thomas? Nuh-uh. Let’s get inside the house.” He went and grabbed Noon from the back and went inside the house. I was still in shock. 

What did he mean “Of course?” I was THAT obvious? I ran after him and caught him in the kitchen releasing Noon from his grasps and my little son went and ran to his bed. Good thing dogs didn’t have things like this to worry about. Why do I? There were so many problems around the world and yet this is currently occupying all of my brain facilities.

“What do you mean, ‘of course’?” I shouted at Darnell.

“I mean, he’s your type.” He said calmly as he walked through the house.

“W-wha-I, I..don’t have a type.”

“Yeah you do.”

“Who else knows?”

“That you like Tom?”

I nodded. “Am I that obvious?”

“Not to him, I guess…. I mean, your fans noticed it! HA!” he laughed. 

“That’s different. They always put me together with somebody! Remember Val? And he was like what? Years older than me!” I whined. 

Darnell was still laughing. “True. That was weird, right, like you have to admit it.”

“Yeah he’s my big brother!”

“I miss you dancing like that Z, let’s go ballroom dancing one time”

“Darnell!” I said exasperated.

“What!?”

“Do people know?” 

“Yeah. Law noticed and you know me and your mom is tight so we talk about it all the time. She likes him though, don’t worry. Your dad knows it too, which surprised me because usually Papa Coleman be the last one to know but I maybe someone told him. I’m guessing Izzy or—“ Darnell kept talking until he reached his room.

“WAIT! HOLD UP!” I stopped on the stairs, trying to take it all in. I couldn’t grasp the situation. How long had I been this obvious? How long have I actually liked him? “Everybody knows?!”

“No not a lot! We were all just conspiring behind your back. Z, we’re your family, we know you better than anyone, so we see it. He’s good guy though. I think we all think so, so it’s fine if you like him. Honestly, I was hurt you didn’t tell but seriously? You just figured it out NOW?”

“I-I don’t know?!”

“Zendeesha, Zendeesha, Zendeesha. We should go to bed you still have more press conferences tomorrow. We have fitting too with Law, you can ask him about Tom too if you like!” Darnell chuckled and was heading to his room.

“Wait! Darnell!”

“Z. We can talk about your love life tomorrow morning. It can wait, go to bed.” And Darnell the mom has come out. I head on to my room and got ready for bed. I can’t believe my family noticed! Does Tom know? I mean, if my Dad could take a hint couldn’t he?

I still haven’t replied to his message and I stared at it again. The little thump in my chest came back. I put my hand on top of my chest and felt it beating fast. I sighed. If I really did like Tom, what is this gonna mean for us? What if he doesn’t feel the same way? And, another relationship? Haven’t I learned my lesson before? It’s hard to keep one under the pressures of fame and I don’t like people poking around my relationships. Everything seemed complicated and impossible all of a sudden. Could I actually make this work IF he does like me? See? First step. What if he doesn’t? Then I ruin a good ass friendship and I still have to act with him for the next Spiderman Homecoming. 

“I miss you, too” I replied and dove into my bed, face first.


	2. Distant Diamond Sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Untouchable by Taylor Swift

“5:00 am” my clock read.

Darnell had shaken my awake several times. He does that. He wakes me up 30 minutes before because he knows that’s the amount of time I actually take to get up from bed.

It’s still dark outside but inside my room, it was lit up like a Christmas tree. Darnell turned on all the lights and the only way to turn them off is to get up so I might as well start dressing up. I walked towards my mirror and started to survey my face for all it’s blemishes when I remembered last night’s mayhem. I closed my eyes and squeezed them hard. I wrinkled at my nose at the memory. I opened my eyes and was blinded immediately by the lights and I started seeing stars. I sighed heavily at my reflection. I really didn’t have the time or tolerance to think about this all day.  _ I hate liking people. _ They take up so much of your time in your head.  _ I NEED MY HEAD.  _ And at that moment I tripped and fell on my suitcase, still unpacked from my trip to Australia. Darnell upon hearing the raucous came running.

“Wha—! Zendaya! Oh my god!” He ran to me and grabbed my arm to help me up. “Are you okay?! You still asleep?” I mumbled something incoherent to let him know, yes, in fact I was sleepy, but it wasn’t just that. 

“Z. You do know when we say we’re “falling” for someone, you don’t take it literally..” and he laughed again. I rolled my eyes. This whole situation is a joke.

“Shut up!” I pushed him away and went to the bathroom. I could still hear him laughing as I closed the door.

I slept the whole ride. We drove up to the city where I was going to have my shoot for  _ boohoo.  _ I was excited because they’re going to call it the Zendaya Edit and I get to choose pieces of clothing from them. Of course, Law was going to help. 

Darnell dropped me off in front of a big house where the shoot was going to be. He said he had errands to run but Hannah would take care of me until he comes back. Hannah was one of the coordinators of the shoot, she had ashy blonde hair and was small in stature. She walked towards me from the front lawn and greeted me. “Goodmorning Miss Coleman. We have a room for you inside should you want to relax first because you still have five hours before the shoot.”

_ FIVE HOURS?! DARNELL? We were so early! WHAT.THE.FUCK.  _ But Darnell had already drove off. I tried to pull of my best smile at Hannah.

“Thanks” I said meekly. The sun was barely out yet but here I am, up and early. She led me to a bedroom that had a TV in it. There was also a director’s chair and a mirror with light bulbs around it. The room was empty. No clothes, no hair products, and my make-up bag was still inside my suitcase.

“I still have to contact people who will set-up the place so I would have to leave you. Don’t worry, no one will bother you here. The guys will be setting up outside. If you need anything, I’ll just be in the backyard.”

“Okay. Thank you.”  _ Five hours. _

Hannah left and I surveyed the room. I doubt Law was going to come this early or my hairdresser. That means, until Darnell comes back, I’m all alone here. For some reason, the emptiness of the room made me uneasy so I decided to put stuff on the table near the mirror. I pulled out my make-up bag from my suitcase but halfway through I got lazy.  _ FIVE HOURS. _ Darnell has reached a new level of crazy. I wanted to call him and yell at him but the weight of sleep was heavier. I looked at the bed and plopped down onto it; ready to sleep again.  _ Ohh comfy. _

“Good morning.”

I jumped and turned around and saw Tom standing in the doorway. “Shit!” I didn’t even hear the door open. It’s either I’m in danger if someone tried to kidnap me or there’s a reason why they made this boy Spider-man.

“Oh, sorry” he moved forward and held my arms. “Sorry, did I scare you? I know you’re not a morning person. Sorry…” his British accent lingering on the last word. He started rubbing my arms with his hands. I looked at his hands and my eyes grew big. I immediately pulled away.

“Uh, no it’s fine. I-uh-uhm-I…ahh..” I stuttered.  _ Why was I stuttering? _

“You okay, Z?” his hands still outstretched and one of his eyebrows was up.

“Uh..what are you doing here?” That sounded mean. Also, I could feel my throat starting to dry. What. Was. Happening.

“Oh! I wanted to surprise you…which I did, sorry ‘bout that.” He chuckled.  _ His laugh is so cute. Oh no. Don’t think that way, he might sense it _ . “I know we’re going to see each other for New York Fashion Week but I told you I missed you.”  _ There goes my heart. Please, God. I hope I don’t sweat. I sweat when I get nervous.  _ “So here I am!” he continued.

I don’t know how my face looked at the moment but I’m guessing it wasn’t attractive or positive because he seemed nervous all of a sudden like he realized he had done something wrong. “It’s okay though, I really cleared up this day because the following months are going to be hectic. Are you sure you’re okay? Sorry, again. I didn’t mean to scare you so much. You’re not usually this jumpy.”  _ I know! I’m not but.. but you! We were just talking about you yesterday. I can’t process what happened yesterday and now?? _

“I don’t have to be here if…you don’t want me to be. I won’t be here long. Just wanted to see you before you kill it on your shoot today…” His voice trailed off and he looked down at his shoes. I think he could sense that something was off and the air in the room suddenly felt thin and suffocating. We had never been alone like this before, too.  _ Where is everybody? _

“No!” I said the too aggressively. “No. Uhm. It’s fine. Sorry. Surprised.. I got surprised. Yay! You uh.. succeeded in the surprising of… me..”  _ WHAT? _

“Yeah.. Are you sure you’re okay? We’re…okay?”

“No. No! Just, I just woke up from the car and everything’s crazy right now. I’m fiiiine. I’m fine. We’re— I’m fine. It’s fine. Yeah. So.” I swallowed. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I know the direction is downwards spiral. “Uhm.. you? Are you uh..? Fine?”

“Yeah. I’m good. I’m good. I’m relieved I have this ONE day to relax. Everything is going so fast. I haven’t had the time to just taken it all in.” 

_ What? I don’t think I processed anything he said because I was just staring at his lips. Did I ever notice his lips before? They do look like there’s a frog in it when he closes it. I wonder if it’s soft...Oh shit. Wait. Did he stop talking? _

“Daya? Hello? I think you still need sleep. I’ll leave you.” He was about to turn towards the door when I said, “Huh? Oh? Uhm. No it’s okay. You… I thought you were going to hang around… a bit.. like a hang out. Do you wanna— What do you wanna do? I don’t want you to waste your day like this…On me.”

“No! I really wanted to see you!” He chuckled.  _ So cute. Shut up, Zendaya.  _ “Sorry. I should really ask first. Darnell told me your shoot doesn’t start until 12 noon and you had time to spare”

_ DARNELL. How could I have not seen it? We liked being prompt but not THIS prompt. Nice one Darneesha. Sly. VERY Sly. I see what you’re doing. You’re gonna get it from me when you come back! _

Tom continued, “We can walk outside. I found a really cool pizza place like around the block and they serve ones with 6 kinds of cheese! Oh, but I think they won’t be open until later. But we can walk around first and then go —“

“Like in public?”

“Yeah…Is that bad? Is it like bad luck to be seen out before a photoshoot? Is this one of your superstitions again? I swear, that one time you just randomly threw salt over your shoulder!” he joked.

“Shut up!” I laughed. Then silence fell over us. “Uh… Let’s just hang out here.” I gestured vaguely around the room. “We can watch a movie!”

“Okay that sounds cool!” he said.

“Unless you’re hungry. We can call, I can call for food here, I think.”

“No I’m good. I got excited is all, when I saw the pizza place. I thought of you.” His grin was so wide.  _ I could melt. Right here. You don’t even know but you’re always on MY mind ever since I figured out I liked you. _

He took off his shoes, which revealed his Spiderman socks, and jumped on the bed. “Nerd!” I exclaimed. He looked at his socks, his grin still as wide, like he was proud that I caught him wearing those. He got the remote and turned on the TV. He was looking through movies and I still haven’t moved from my spot, afraid that I might do something stupid. Like… I don’t know, trip? It wouldn’t be the first time today.

_ You can do this Daya. You got this. Just. Act. Normal. _

“Come here! Let’s choose a movie.” I took a step towards him and tripped.  _ Nice.  _ “Nerd!” he exclaimed and laughed. I rolled my eyes and threw him one of my make-up bags. “Ow! Ow! I’m fragile!!” he said and we both laughed.

Seeing as we were both nerds, we decided to watch the first Spider-man movie with Tobey Maguire. I must have fallen asleep because the last thing I saw was when Spider-man first encountered the Green Goblin. Also, because James Franco looked really cute in that scene, you can’t forget a face like THAT.

Tom must have started watching another movie because it looked nothing like Spider-man, it had Lily Collins in it. I adjusted my head to get a better view. I tilted it and realized I was lying on Tom’s chest while he leaned on the bed’s headboard. One of his arms was wrapped around my waist, lazily resting on my stomach.

“Hey..” he whispered.

“Hey..” I mumbled. “I slept.”

“Yeah, you did. You’re a very quiet sleeper. You didn’t even move one bit.”

“Hm…” I giggled. I was about to close my eyes again when I realized what we must’ve looked like. Hannah. Hannah could see us like this or the guys setting up. I shot up and knocked Tom’s chin in the process.

“OH!” His head shooting backwards, luckily missing the headboard.

“Oh my god! Sorry! Tom! Oh my god! Are you okay?!” I had my hands hovering over his face. He rubbed his chin that was turning red.

“It’s fine, love.” _Oh my god._ _I’M not okay._

“Sorry… Shit. Shit. I’ll get you uhh some ice..I think we ha—” I was about to stand up to start scavenging for ice or look for Hannah but Tom held my arm and pulled me down the bed again.

“Woah! It’s fine. I’m fine. See.” He showed me his chin. It was just red but not swollen. “After that nap, you’re still jumpy huh?” he joked.

“Sorry.”

“Like I said, it’s fine. Look” He brought one of my hands on his chin. My hand was sandwiched between his chin and his hand. My heart was beating so fast that I was sure he could hear it. Our faces were so close to each other that it was hard to focus on his eyes, they were staring right at me. Everything was in slow motion. I could see Tom open his mouth to say something when  I was startled by the sound of the door opening. I pulled my hand away swiftly. It sounded like a person who  _ wanted _ to be noticed. An entrance.  _ Law _ .

“Hey girl! Ohh lala what do we have here!” I immediately stood up from the bed. 

“Heeey Law… Is it uhm… What time is it?” I said rubbing my hand, the one Tom had held up against his chin. Was it guilt that I was feeling? Guilty for what? Having been caught? My heart was beating right out of my chest.  _ Can anyone else hear that? _

“Hi Tom!” Law said, ignoring me.

“Heeey Law…” Tom said like he was guilty of something too.

“I didn’t know you were gonna be here! Z, you didn’t tell me Tom was coming.” Finally noticing my presence. “I could’ve done the fitting for you already instead of in New York” and we’re back to Tom again.

“He uhm, surprised me. I didn’t know he was coming.”  I said as I kept switching the weight on either leg, uneasy about the whole situation.

“Surprise. Surprise”, Law replied. He had a mischievous smile on and wide eyes. I was afraid he was going to say something while Tom was here. Were they all in on this? Are Darnell and Law conspiring against me or something?

Tom stood up and gave Law a bro-hug, “I was just leaving. I waited for Zendaya to wake up before I left. Since you’re up,” he motioned to me. “I’ll be off.”

“So soon? You can stay while we glam up Miss Zendaya over here, she wouldn’t mind. You could be like uh— fourth opinion but my opinion is the last say.” Law laughed. My eyes widened. I couldn’t have him here, not with this state of confusion. I stared down at Law, hoping he’ll get the message: NO. He wouldn’t look at me and so my sight landed on Tom who WAS looking at me with a confused face. He had that look again, the one where he looked like he has a frog in his mouth.

“Uh.. no it’s alright. I have to get going anyways. I still have uhm… some stuff to do.” Tom said to Law.

“Oh.” I mumbled under my breath.  _ Fuck.  _ Now he’ll think I DON’T want him around. I mean I don’t because it’s awkward but he doesn’t know that. He might just think I’m a snob. I wanted to hit my head on the wall right then and there.

“I’ll see you guys in a few weeks?” and he gave Law a hug again and came over to me. Our hug was awkward and full of arms, “‘kay, bro, see you! Sorry, I slept on you” I said.

Tom looked confused again. I never called him ‘bro’ before. “It’s fine. You were kind of weird this morning, I think you needed the nap. Anyways, I’ll go. Bye.” Tom slipped out the door. I stared at the spot where he had just been a second ago, not knowing what to make of our situation now. I saw in my peripheral vision Law  who was staring at me.

“Mmm..Hmmm…” he had a smug look on his face.

“What?”

“Oh! Nothing… Didn’t know you were a rendezvous type of girl. So how’s our spider boy?”

“I’m not… it was not a rendezvous. I told you he surprised me. And, and he’s fine. He just had a day off and came by to…. say hi except…I fell asleep. Darnell woke me up crazy ass early for today.” I returned the suspicion, wondering if Law knew Tom was going to surprise me as well.

“Good thing I was late. The traffic was in your favor Miss Zendaya.” I was going to say something back when the door opened and for some reason I had hoped it was Tom but it was Darnell with the rest of the clothes I had to try on. My disappointment was immediately replaced with annoyance.

“Darnell! What the fuck?!”

“What? These are your clothes. Sheesh. I think you need more naps.”

“No! Not the clothes! How could you leave me here with Tom? Did you really have errands? Huh? Really? Errands. I’m so STUPID!”

“I did! I went to the gym!”

“And why didn’t you tell me? After everything I told you yesterday? You thought it was a good idea to throw me into the fire like that? I can’t. I made a fool of myself!”

“What? What happened yesterday?” Law piped in.

“Uh.. He said he wanted to surprise you, Z. I think if I told you, it would defeat the purpose. Am I right? Tell me I’m right.”

“No.” He was right but I wanted to be stubborn.

“Did you have fun on your play date?” Darnell teased.

“Shut up, Darnell.” I wasn’t really mad, I love Darnell like a brother. We get to each other’s nerves but never enough to actually get upset with one another. It’s just so annoying. This whole situation is a big mess.

Law, being Law, did not liked to be ignored but he knew not to push on things like this, “Okay, enough about your love life. Go try this on.” He’s known me since I was 15 so he was there for my first boyfriend. And he was there when that boyfriend became an ex.

“There’s—no— not love..” I managed to choke out.

“Sh..sh.. try it on, try it on. Come on! We haven’t had all day!” Law gave me a little push and I walked towards my suitcase to get my things out. I could see in my peripheral vision that these two were up to something. They both smiled at each other for a brief second like they just sent an instant message.

“Law?”

“Yes, dear. That bra.” Not even looking up from his phone where he was taking a selfie and deleting it after, then taking another one.

“No. No. Law? Do you think I like Tom?”

He squealed.  _ Why did he squeal? _

Darnell gave him a look and said, “I told you so.”

“Told him what, Darnell???” I said.

“Before, we were betting if you liked him. Of course we both bet you did so it was completely useless but Z!!! This is so cute! You can have matching outfits. Okay, no. We’re not going to do that. It’s cute though. You guys are cute. A power couple. Can you imagine? I can. Him. And Her.” Law said dreamily.

“I didn’t say… I liked him. But I’m guessing your answer means yes.” I rolled my eyes.  _ Just. Great.  _ I got my stuff and got ready for the shoot. Luckily, when my hairdresser came the two shut up about the whole thing. They understood that when it comes to relationships I liked keeping things private. I was still unnerved with how they noticed. Darnell, I wasn’t surprised because I’m literally with him all day everyday. Where I go, he goes. Where he goes, I don’t always go so he knows more about my life than anyone else. But Law? My family? Who else knows? I didn’t want people to know until I’ve figured it out myself. I’m not even a hundred percent sure if I do like him or it’s just the teasing that’s getting to me. Believe me when I say that a lot of what I do is dictated to me, especially as a child star. But I’ve grown into my own and I won’t have anyone tell me what to do. I won’t let people influence who I’m going to love.

_ Woah. Not love.  _ What I mean to say is. If I’m going to like someone it’s going to come from me and me alone. I don’t want people poking in on my relationship.

It didn’t help when I started scrolling through my phone. It wasn’t new— the whole shipping thing but I had different eyes now. I had a new perspective on things and now things seem clearer. Every post it seemed like the shippers were right.

“Darnell? Can you call my publicist?”

“Yeah. He’s coming in at 6pm. Why?”

“I need to ask him something.”

New York Fashion Week is in four days and I had just finished packing the last of my clothes before we fly out to New York. I sat on my suitcase and closed it shut. “There” I said triumphantly. That was a workout. I walked towards my bed where Noon was lying down and tucked myself in. I patted his head and he moved towards me and snuggled himself under my armpit. “Watchu doin’ there son?” I laughed.

I opened my phone and saw that Tom had sent another message. I can’t say that things were back to normal, it wasn’t. I was still constantly brooding over my feelings, sometimes they would just explode out of nowhere or there would be days that it remained no matter what happened in my day. It felt more like a disease. Maybe that’s why they called it  _ lovesick.  _ Every time he said something sweet, I get this mini heart attack but it was easier to mask when we only spoke online.  _ Thank God, he doesn’t ask for video calls.  _ Darnell, however, was relentless in teasing me any chance he could get and ever since I told Zink about my revelation of liking Tom, the two became a tag team and I always lost. I didn’t mind losing as long as no one else would know. They understood that I wanted to keep this a secret. It was easier to pretend that nothing had changed.

But now that we’re going to see each other in a few days, I don’t know if I can keep the up the act. I’m scared Tom is going to see right through it that they’re all going to see right through me. Even before I had realized I liked Tom people were already suspecting, what more now that I really do.

_ “Can’t wait to see you.”  _ Well, there goes my heart again. This wasn’t the first time I saw the message but it still gave me a little shock to the heart. I looked at Noon who had already fell asleep and took a picture of him. This is what I replied to Tom.  _ “I’m gonna miss Noon again though. But see you!”  _ Calm. And. Collected. I got this.

Next day we were flying out. We had two days before the event. Tom and I had planned awhile back that we’d use those days to hang out. I wish we hadn’t. It just made me more nervous and on the plane ride going to New York I could barely sleep. My heart kept pumping and pumping. We were going to be together for almost a week. I don’t know if I could last that long but I had to remind myself that it wasn’t going to be the same situation as when Tom surprised me. Darnell was going to be around, so was Law. I’m pretty sure Tom must have brought some of his friends along too.

We settled into our suit when we heard a knock on the door and Darnell opened it. “Are we going to stay in again?” Tom said as he walked in. “I really want to walk around New York, I mean, it’s  _ New York _ .” I felt my sweat breaking in.  _ We were going to be seen in public if we go out though. _

“Uhhh…”

“Yeah, we can go out!” Darnell answered for me. “Z over here stayed at home the whole time. You startin’ to smell like a couch potato. We need to get you some sun or you gonna be full on Caucasian”

“Hey! It doesn’t even work that way!” I retorted.

“Come on, Z! Let’s see New York!” Tom said and I couldn’t tell if he was doing the puppy dog eyes on purpose or his eyes are just naturally big.  _ Damn it. Why did he look so damn cute. Was he always this cute??? This boy is going to be the death of me. _

“Okay. Fine. Let me get dressed.”

“I just have some err—“ Darnell started.

“NO! NO ERRANDS!” I shouted a little too loudly that Darnell jumped.

“Okay… fine. We ALL go out then. Do you want me to bring the receptionist too?” Darnell joked.

“Shut up! I’m going to get dressed and so will you Darneesha. Let’s go! Get!” I waved at him to get a moving. “We’ll see you at the lobby, Tom.”

“Oh, okay. See you.” Tom said, a little confused but he went out.

“Darnell, I swear to god if you do ANYTHING while we are out together or say ANYTHING imma beat yo ass.” I told Darnell as soon as Tom left the room. Darnell was laughing again. “I’m serious!” I said.

“Yeah. I gotchu Z!” I gave him a look that I was not messing around. “Yeah Z! Geez! No fooling around. We’re just going to hang out like we cool. We chill. Okay?”

“Okay.”

I wore minimal make-up so as not to seem like an eager beaver and a heavy coat because it was still cold in New York. We met up with Tom in the lobby and he was alone. No friends. “No Harrison?” I said walking up him. “Uh. No. He’s back in London. I’ll see him in a couple of weeks though!” he said smiling. I couldn’t help but smile back. Weirdly enough when I was around him I didn’t feel as anxious as when I anticipated hanging out with him. It still felt warm and comfortable in his presence. So I thought,  _ maybe I can act normal around him. I just need to stop overthinking everything. _

We walked around New York city and I didn’t stutter as much. Darnell did become a good buffer from time to time but I didn’t need him as much as I thought. Tom and I talked normally and joked normally. I wasn’t going to lie, the feelings were there, pounding on my chest but it didn’t seem to show so I was okay. But just when I thought everything was going back to normal, Tom held my hand. I didn’t see him reaching for it until I felt his fingers intertwine mine and my fingers mirrored it automatically. We were moving through a thick crowd of people. Darnell was behind me and Tom in front leading us through. I swear. There was a tingling sensation where our hands touched. He dropped it though as soon as the crowd was gone. I looked back at Darnell but I don’t think he noticed. I put my hands in my coat and tried to keep calm. A fan then walked up to us and asked if we could take a photo. I was still shocked from the hand holding that when Tom was getting into the frame I pushed him out. He looked shocked but took it as a joke.

“Too cool for me now huh, Z?”

Oh no. I had to think FAST. “Get out mah shot boy! You ain’t got no juice!” And I smiled and the girl took a picture. “Thank you!” she said and left a little disappointed because I think she did want Tom in the frame. Nice save though, self. 

“Okay, next one who comes up to us, YOU’RE not going to be in the picture” Tom teased.

“Who said anyone else is gonna come up?” I teased back but as soon as I said that another person asked to take a picture and just like what I did to him he pushed me out of the shot. “Celebrities only” he joked. The person thanked him but also asked if they could get a picture with me.

“Ha! Celebrities only.” I mocked. I took a picture with the guy and he thanked me then left.

“Damn. It’s hard hanging out with you!” He said.

“This is what real fame looks like. Watch and learn. Take notes, okay?” I joked and he laughed. 

For the rest of the time though, I became wary of people who wanted to take a photo of us. I kept trying to find excuses for Tom not to be in the shot and I started walking farther from him, putting Darnell in between us. Suddenly, I was becoming awkward again. I was conscious that we were being watched and that people were going to read it on my face. “I’m falling for Tom you guys! Y’all were right!” I was afraid Tom was going to know.

When we got back to the hotel room and I got ready for bed I surveyed today’s events. I wondered why I suddenly became so conscious that we were seen together. I was so paranoid that I think we only ever took one photo together the whole day with a fan.

_ It’s because he held your hand,  _ I thought to myself.

I felt it then and there that I was falling HARD. I can’t hide this for long unless it dies down. I don’t think it will. What I feel for him is becoming more solid, more real that I’m starting to actually WANT to hold his hand and be seen with him. But it takes two to tango and if he doesn’t feel the same way— I mean he did let go of my hand… I don’t know. I don’t want these thoughts! And so I smothered my face with a pillow and went to bed.

The next day, Law was going around with us. Two buffers who may or may not drag me down. I hope not. Thankfully, none of them did but I was still conscious about being seen out with Tom that I stuck to either Law or Darnell the whole time. I kept our conversations short and would always bring in Law or Darnell into the conversations so we were never alone for a long time. 

The same thing happened. People asked us for photos and I became smarter in making sure Tom wasn’t in the photo. I decided that it was best if we weren’t seen together. It would just bring in more suspicion like, WHY we were together? WHY we shared a stylist? People are going to think we’re coupling and I don’t think I can shake it off like before because the situation isn’t the same. I’m not the same.

For the rest of the trip I made sure Tom and I were never alone together that Darnell or Law were always around. When Tom was about to sit beside me on the runway I immediately asked Law to sit between us since he’s both our stylist and it looked better that way. I tried to move away from him during events and joked it off every time he looked confused why I wanted to leave his side. 

“Zendaya?” Darnell said back in the hotel. We were getting ready to fly back to L.A., finally finishing up NYFW.

“Hm?” I said, not looking up from my phone where I was scrolling through Instagram. I was looking at photos of Tom and I or lack thereof.  _ Good. _

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“Looking at Instagram.” I clicked on a video of slime just in case Darnell peeked.

“No not that. You know what I’m talking about?” he said never looking away from the mirror where he was trying to fix his hair. I looked at him confused.

“What?” I said. He turned around and looked at me with hands on his hips.  _ Here comes grandma. _

“I know what you did, Z.”

“What I do?” I teased. “If it’s something to do with your hair, you know as hell I didn’t touch that.” and I went back scrolling through Instagram.

“What you’re doing to Tom.”

I stopped scrolling. “I didn’t do anything…

“Right. Huh. You didn’t just avoid him the whole trip?”

“I-I wasn’t avoiding him! Why would I do that?”

“That’s what I want to know! Z. He has been trying to talk to you, sit beside you and you move out like he contracted some sort of disease. You’d think you hated the boy! What happened? I thought you liked him?” Darnell started yammering. He was going full on grandmother tonight.

“Shhh!! I never said I liked him.” I whispered. “Also, keep your voice down what if he walks right into this room and he hears you??”

“Z. Come on. I also know you asked your publicist to take down photos of you and Tom when he went to see you on set at Disney. It wasn’t just that. Other photos too. What’s going on here?”

“Nothing…” My voice grew quiet.

“Don’t you nothing me! I’ll tell you what. Tom noticed it too. That you’ve been avoiding him the whole trip.”

“I was— I’m not avoiding him. He noticed nothin’” I said defensively.

“He did.”

“…”

“Daya...I shouldn’t be saying this because he has asked me not to bu--”

“Who asked you?” I said, not letting him finish. Darnell let out a huge sigh.

“Tom. Tom asked if something was up. He’s upset that maybe he upset you.”

“When did he ask?” I said surprised.

“When I went to go buy you dinner, I ran into him in the hallway. I guess, maybe he was going to our suite. I don’t know. Now, whatever is going on in your head whether you do like him”I opened my mouth to say something but Darnell continued,  “or NOT, he’s still your friend. I don’t think it was very nice that you spent the whole trip giving him the cold shoulder.”

“I just… about the photos. I didn’t want people to think something was going on between us…”

_ “ _ That never bothered you before?” Darnell said, sitting down on the bed. 

“I know but—“

“It’s different. I get it Z. But people aren’t going to start figuring out you like him from the photos. They already think you did before you ACTUALLY DID. Nothing’s going to change. Let them do whatever. Don’t let them bother you.”

He was right. Since when did it matter what people thought of me? Since when did I let them decide how I should act? 

“I don’t know. It’s weird, I’ll be honest. It’s like when you like someone, the more you stay away. I feel like I’m just a big sign saying,  _ I LIKE TOM!!!  _ you know? Like it’s plastered on my face even before I say anything. I’m scared he’s going to know…”

“So?”

“It’s going to ruin our friendship, Darnell. I don’t want that.”

“How’s it gonna ruin your friendship?” I rolled my eyes. Is Darnell not getting this? Do I have to spell it out for him? I stared at him and mustered up the courage to tell him the fear that’s been creeping on me ever since I felt something for Tom.

“What if he doesn’t like me back?”

“Well…What if he does?”


	3. How Do We Rewrite the Stars?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Rewrite the Stars by Zendaya & Zac Efron

“Did you get home safe?” read Tom’s text.

We had just arrived to L.A. and it was still dark outside. My body clock was completely off with all the traveling that I decided to unpack all my suitcases at 2 in the morning. I hadn’t fixed my stuff since my trip to Australia because I was too tired then but now I had all the energy in the world.

I was putting my clothes in a laundry bag, more like shoving, when my phone lit up.  I walked towards my bedside table where I had put it to play music and saw Tom’s message. His body clock must be off too.

“Yeah. You?” I replied.

“Yup! Already landed in L.A.” he replied back. “How was the flight?” he added.

I honestly couldn’t remember. Since this whole falling for Tom thing started, my mind hasn’t been itself. It’s all cluttered and confused. I barely slept on the flight back, not even a blink. My mind kept going back to how I acted in London and what Darnell had said, “What if he does?” then it would alternate with memories of me with Tom before this whole situation happened, before I realized that I had fallen in love with this nerd.  _ Was it possible that he could like me too?  _ I shook my head.  _ I don’t want to put myself up just to be let down. _

“Fine. Yours?”

“Fine.”

What do I reply to that? I stared at the screen, thinking if I should say something more or leave the conversation as it is when I saw the little bubble that meant he was typing something. Then it disappeared. I heaved a heavy sigh.  _ That’s it?  _ Then the bubble came back.

Then was gone again.

Came back again for awhile like he was writing a long message.

Then gone again.

Like he was hesitating.

_ What is he typing? _

“Z.”

Wow. One letter.

“Yeah?”

“Can I call you?”

I stared at his last message and squinted my eyes at it. I looked at the clock: 2:08 am.

At 2 am? Can he call me at 2 am? Do I have the wits for this? But I can’t avoid him. Not like I did back in London. Of all the places I could’ve been a jerk to Tom, I did it in his own city. Darnell was right; first and foremost he was my friend and I can’t go acting crazy around him by taking him out of my photos and avoiding every chance I get. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, blowing the hair that had fallen on my face. I typed “Sure.” Then his name appeared on my phone and I clicked the green button to answer.

“Hey..” his voice was quiet and low. I little smile crept on my face. I don’t know why but hearing him made me happy. The mere sound of his voice reminds me with every second, I fall harder.

“Hi.”

“Can’t sleep?” he said.

“Yeah…”

“Me too” and then there was silence. This was excruciating. I need this to stop. No matter how I feel I don’t want this to be awkward. I looked at my suitcases and thought of telling him about what I was doing.

“So—“

“I-“

We spoke at the same time. “Uh, sorry. What were you saying?” he said.

“No it’s fine. What were you going to say?” I said.

“Oh… uhm…” he said and then silence fell on us again and so I decided to cut it.

“I’m trying to fix my stuff…from all the traveling. It’s harder than I thought it would be.” I laughed weakly. “I wish I had already unpacked before. Now they’re all just… here….you know what I mean?”

“Oh that’s cool. I mean, not cool, I-uh…Do you need help?”

“Darnell is already asleep and I already asked Noon and he said no.”

“Well…uhm.. I can…uh.. come over? I can help you.” My eyebrows shot up. I was surprised. At 2 am? I checked the time on my alarm clock. I wasn’t losing it. It was 2 in the morning and he was offering to come over? To unpack my stuff? Huh?

“I mean. If you want. That is.” He added.

“You can? I guess. If… I mean it’s two in the morning Tom…”

“I know but I have all this energy…”

“Same!!” I laughed.

“Yeah, so. Am I coming over? Use my spidey skills on your luggage”

“You know you’re not really Spider-man, right?” I had this wide grin on my face. Ear to ear, as they say.

“What? I am. I am Spider-man,” he said pretending to be hurt. “I’ll be there in 15 minutes” and then he dropped the phone.

_ Ohhh shit… _

What just happened? Is Tom really coming over here at two in the  _ fucking _ morning. Do you know what it sounds like? It sounds like a booty call. I mean. He didn’t call me for that— But I mean the situation. What would other people think? What would they— WAIT. No.  _ I don’t care about what other people think, remember?  _ Right. So. He’s just coming over here as a friend. I need to remind myself of that. I owe him anyways for how I acted back in London. The guilt was evident, like a lump in my throat.

Okay. So. We’re going to be calm and col-lec-ted. I know I keep telling myself that and then when Tom comes the “zen” in Zendaya flies away. Boom. But it has to be different now.  _ So what do I do?  _ I paced back in forth in my room, biting the bottom of lip. “What do you think I should do, Noon?” I looked at Noon who was comfortable in my bed. He rolled over with his feet up in the air and his belly facing the ceiling. I giggled. “I didn’t ask you to play dead, son…”

_ Act. You’re an actress. Then… ACT. _

“I’m actress.” I told myself out loud. “Yeah! I’ll just act like we’re just friends. Because we are. Yeah. You got this. You got this.” I started jogging in place and punching the air like Rocky Balboa “I GOT THIS.”

_ Ding. _

I got a message. Tom texted that he was already outside.  _ Oh shit. But what do I look like?  _ I ran to the mirror and saw my reflection. I was wearing a big T-shirt and sweatpants. Nothing out of the ordinary, to be honest. My hair was tied into a loose ponytail that sent my curls everywhere. There were dark circles under my eyes, too.

“GAHHH!” I said to my reflection. No. We’re not going to fix myself. Tom has seen me this way and we are going to ACT. ACT LIKE I DON’T LIKE HIM. “Go Zendaya, guuurl you got this.” I pumped myself up and went down to get the door.

I opened the door to Tom who was hugging himself so tightly. His breath created small white puffs in the air. “W-w-what t-t-took you so lo-lo-long?! I-It’s fuh-fuh-fre-freezing!” he stammered, rubbing his arms up and down to warm himself. I closed the door behind him and laughed.

“You’re such a wimp.” I walked past him and towards the stairs.

“Hey! You try going outside!”

“No thanks!” and continued climbing up the stairs. Tom followed, taking two steps at a time to catch up with me. When he was close enough, he put his hand on my arm.

“WOAH! STOP!” I jumped. His hand was REALLY cold. I stopped climbing up the stairs and looked at him. He looked smug with his hair tousled.  _ Honestly Tom, you’re not making this whole acting thing easy for me. _

“I told you. You were going to let my butt freeze out there.”

“Some spider-man huh?” I teased.

“Well, you’re on a roll tonight!” he laughed. We walked inside my room with all my stuff scattered around. There was a pile of shoes and another pile for my clothes. I had several laundry bags that I already filled. Noon was walking about my piles, trying to find a place to nuzzle himself in but then he spotted Tom and ran to him. “Hey! Hey, boy! Did you miss me? Yeah, you did!,” Tom said as he picked up Noon and gave him a little shake. He put him down and Noon ran back to my bed. I smiled at them.  _ My son and my…Tom… not even my Tom. Just Tom. _

“Wow that’s a lot of stuff” Tom commented as he rubbed his hands together to get himself warm.

“I’m gonna use my spidey-skillzz pew pew pew” I said mocking him and pretending to shoot spiderwebs from my wrists.

“Fuck off!!!” he said then proceeded to follow me to the other side of my mountain of clothes and shoes. “So what am I supposed to do?”

“Don’t touch my clothes” I sassed.

“What? But I thought the whole point was to—“

“Bring down the laundry bag over there. I don’t want you touchin’ my delicates”

“I don’t want you touchin’ my delicates” Tom mocked my feminine voice and started to lift up my laundry bag.

“I’m sorry, you said something?” I teased.

“No ma’am Zendaya. I was simply saying you look awfully ravishing tonight” he replied, exaggerating his British accent.

“Just bring it down to the laundry room, Alfred,” I said, copying Batman’s voice. Tom laughed and for a moment I thought this was going to work. If I can just put my feelings aside, this was going to work. I nodded to myself.

“Hey Tom!” Tom had already left the room but when I called him, he peeped his head out from the doorway.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks,” I said and gave him a genuine smile. He returned the smile back at me and I could feel myself melt from where I was standing.

“Sure, love.”

_ I can do this.  _ This friendship means more to me than what I feel. Tom is such a good guy. Genuinely good and great, that’s why I HAVE the feelings. I can’t just push him aside without an explanation. Look at him helping me out with my stuff. Who does that? What guy would do that for his friend?

_ You need to be stronger, Zendaya. No more freaking out. The more you do crazy shit, the more he’ll pull away for sure. And you can’t do that because… _

_ Because I’m used to having him around. _

“Okay. What’s next?” Tom jumped into the room with his hands spread out like a toddler showing off as if proud for bringing down a bag of laundry. I shook out of my trance and looked around.

“Uhm… You can start getting some of my shoes and just arrange them in my closet. By pairs!”

“I wouldn’t dare not to put them back by PAIRS!” he dramatically said with big eyes. I laughed. “You better not break any of those Tom!” I shouted after him as he went into my closet with at least 4 pairs of shoes in his hands. I sat down and started shoving another pile of clothes into a laundry bag.

“Ohh.. What’s this?” I heard him say from inside my closet.

“Tom?” I shouted. He didn’t answer.

“Tom? What are you doing?” I tried again but still, no response. I stood up from where I was sitting on the floor and walked to my closet. “Tom what the — FUCK?”

Tom was wearing my dancing shoes, the ones I used for Dancing With The Stars. I had kept them because they carried so much memories and a feat that I will never forget. At 16, I learned to dance ballroom, a style outside of my comfort zone. I was the first youngest contestant on the show, not to mention I had to dance with a guy so much older than me. But Val was cool. I found a big brother in him and he had taught me so much not just in dancing. He taught me to believe in myself and to keep pushing because there’s more to me than I know. And I taught the grumpy old man to laugh.  _ I miss Val. _

“I didn’t know you still had these!!” Tom said excitedly. “I fit in them too! I didn’t know your feet were THAT big! How did you dance in them? I bet you kept stepping on his—what’s his name—Victor?”

“Fuck off!” We were both laughing. Tom looked RIDICULOUS. I don’t know why he decided to wear my shoes but it DID fit him. “And it’s Val!” I added. Tom modeled around with my shoes. He kept trying to do a fierce face and putting his hands on his waist. I kept laughing at the whole scene.

“Take those off! They have sentimental value!!” I exclaimed, holding my stomach because it was hurting from all the laughing. Tom kept posing like a supermodel, flicking his invisible long hair along the way. “Seriously Tom, you’ll —“

And he tripped. “Ooof!”

“…hurt. yourself.” I laughed hysterically. How is it possible that he danced Rihanna’s Umbrella in heels but can’t even walk in my dancing shoes! He never fails to give me an ab workout from all the laughing. I was literally bracing myself for dear life. I was laughing so hard, I was on the ground with my eyes shut.

“Okay. Taking them off,” he said, defeated.  He sat up and took off my shoes. I looked up and he was already standing over me with my dancing shoes dangling from his hand. He held out his other hand and I took it to stand up.

“You wear them” he said as he held my shoes in front of my face without letting go of my hand.

“Why?” I said, with tears in my eyes from all the laughing. He just shrugged. I looked at the shoes.  _ I did miss dancing with these even if I hated them the first time and was happy to have ended my relationship with it after Dancing With The Stars. _

“Can I have my hand back?” I said and he let it go. I got the shoes from him and walked to my bed and started putting on my dancing shoes.

“There. Happy?” I said as I stood up from my bed. These shoes felt like home now. They eventually molded around my feet as I kept dancing in them.

“Not quite.”

I looked at him with a face that said,  _ What the fuck?  _ He just laughed. “We have to DANCE in them! That’s why they’re called dancing shoes,” he said

“We? But YOU don’t have dancing shoes!” I teased. Tom walked over to me and held both my hands. He walked backwards, facing me, pulling me into the center of the room. “Yeah, but I think Val was just as short EVEN with the dancing shoes” he teased back. I laughed.

“Wait,” he said. He let go my hand and pushed around my clothes and luggages to give us more room.

“So what are we doing? Cha-cha? Waltz?” I asked as he moved around the stuff and I tried to remember how each style was danced.

“Hm…just this.” He raised my left hand and put my right hand on his shoulder. He proceeded to put his free hand on my waist. He stepped sideways and brought me along. He swayed and I swayed along with him.

_ Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. _

Even though I was taller than him, I met his eyes. That calmed me. I smiled. He smiled back. The music played in the background and we swayed to it slowly.  _ How does he do it? _ One moment I’m a nervous wreck, stuttering, tripping, and doing all sorts of stupid then another, he calms me. Heart beating fast but I’m comfortable.

_ “You think it’s easy…You think I don’t want to run to you. But there are mountains. There are doors that we can’t walk through,”  _ the music played.

“Hey it’s you,” he was able to whisper into my ear because our heads were so close.

“Hm,” I said in agreement.  _ I’m going to enjoy this. I’m not letting myself ruin this.  _ I put my head on his shoulder. I had to bend a little but it wasn’t uncomfortable.  _ But I’m not going to let you see what you’re doing to me.  _ Our chests pressed against each other and he kept the lead, swaying me side to side. I moved my hand on his shoulder to around his neck in a sort of embrace. He moved his hand that was on the small of my back to around my waist. I wonder if he could feel my heartbeat pounding, trying to get out of my chest to meet his. I wonder if we could stay like this without these questions in my head:  _ why did I have to fall for you? What’s going to happen? Am I always going to feel this way? Do you feel the same way? What if you don’t? Do I lose you? _

_ “We’re bound to breaking. My hands…are tied.”  _ The song ended. My phone played the next song — Beyonce. I lifted my head and pulled myself away from Tom. He smiled at me, I smiled back. I could drown in those eyes but  _ Zendaya, FOCUS.  _ “We should finish THAT” I said as I pointed to my pile of clothes and shoes.

After some time, we got through a lot of my clothes and returned my shoes back into the closet. There was one more suitcase left but Tom and I got hungry so we went down to the kitchen to eat some chips and eventually retired to the couch. Tom borrowed a sweater from me because he was still cold from waiting outside. I kept my dancing shoes and decided to wear fluffy slippers instead. We were laying on my couch, staring at the TV screen that wasn’t even turned on. It was still pretty dark outside and the only light was coming from the kitchen.

“Zendaya.”

“Hm?” I lifted my head to look at him. He was sitting on one end of the couch and I was on the other end.

“So..” he cleared his throat. “We… You and I…”

_ Oh no. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! He saw right through me!! I was giving off that vibe… oh no. OH FUCK. _

“We’re okay right?”

“Huh?!” I said.

“I mean. In London? You were… I don’t know. I kind of got the feeling that you didn’t want me around. Did I do something wrong”

_ Oh thank god. I thought he was going to ask if “we’re ‘just friends’ right?” That “you know I don’t have feelings for you right?” _

I didn’t reply quickly because I was internally celebrating that he didn’t think I liked him. Tom continued, “I’m sorry if I did. If I…I had done something to…”

“No! I’m sorry ‘bout that. The way I acted in London… was way… way.. off. I don’t know… what happened.”  _ I mean I do but I’m not going to tell you that oh I accidentally fell for you, sorry.  _ “But you didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t worry. We’re okay” I continued.

“Are you sure? You can be honest with me Z….” his voice was real quiet and I can sense the hurt. It must have really bothered him.

“I am honest!”  _ Not about my feelings towards you but honest in every other aspect. _

“I know it’s our thing to like joke around each other but if you ever feel like it’s going overboard, like if I’m hurting your feelings…” His face was in pain. _What did I do?_ It must have been a big deal for him… me pulling away…

“Tom.” I touched his arm. “You couldn’t, okay. Even if you could. I would definitely tell you, okay. Listen, I am a girl of confrontation. You know that.” I bit my lower lip because although that was true in most circumstances, my feelings were not exactly something I would like to confront him with. Nonetheless, a smile crept up his face and I knew I was a goner.

This isn’t going away. How I feel. It’s going to stay but it doesn’t mean our friendship has to go. The way he asked me about London. It genuinely affected him. He doesn’t deserve that. I just have to keep THIS inside. I guess. It’s worth it if it means seeing this face. If it means two in the morning hang-outs. If it means I get to see that smile and know that I can be the reason behind it.

“Yeah I do. That’s good to hear. I couldn’t afford to lose one of my best mates.”

“Yeah, dude. You got me.”  _ You SO got me.  _ I sighed heavily and we continued to space out on the empty TV. I could see his reflection on it and he still had that stupid smile on his face and I could see he was staring at my reflection too. I had a stupid smile on my face. This is how it’s going to be.

_ I don’t want to lose you. _

 

Tom and I kept talking until the sun started peeking through the windows and the sky turned pink. We had moved into my house’s front steps as the temperature increased and we were sure we wouldn’t freeze our butts off. We caught up on the things that were going in our lives and the feelings we still needed to release even if the occasion from which it was produced was long over. Of course, excluding whatever I felt for him. We laughed until we were coughing, waking up the early birds. Tom then started asking advice again about his fame. Ever since the Civil War movie came out, the amount of attention he has been receiving has tripled or quadrupled, or whatever. It was insane how quickly he became famous and that’s amazing but there were downsides to it. He’s not used to it since it happened so quickly. He would call me up especially when it got too out of hand. I’m happy enough to help. Being under the spotlight for so long that I basically grew up in front of everyone, I had some experience with the press and their unrelenting goal of knowing EVERYTHING. I was no expert, though. My fame was different from his. He’s a superhero. A well loved and known icon even before any of us were born. He was integrated to not only the icons of the superhero world but the biggest stars in Hollywood. Yet, he turned to me every time. He trusted in what I said and looked up to me in a way.

“I don’t know how you do it.”

“Nah. You get used to it or you pretend to look like you do…”

“You just look so unbothered, not even, not just unbothered but elegant.”

“…Thanks.” I managed to croak out. I’m pretty damn sure a crazy ass smile is plastered on my face. I pursed my lips to keep it from showing.

“Hey, Z.”

“Hm?”

“Do you think…” he trailed off.

“What? What do I think?”

“No. It’s stupid. Nevermind.” He looked far off onto the street. I looked at him and his perfect jawline as it casted shadows on his neck. The sunrise was giving him a glow.

“Just say it. You’re already stupid.” I laughed and nudged him.

“Hey…”

“Go!”

“Fine. Do you think…it’s possible to date…?”  _ Me? Yes. Kidding.  _ He didn’t say me but duh. That was the first thing in my head. It was sad that something so simple as dating became trivial once you were under the spotlight. Believe. Me. Been there, done that. As much as I thought I would be devastated being single again, I actually prefer it. There was nothing to hide. Except maybe now with my feelings for Tom. But a whole part of me was hidden when I was in a relationship. It was safe there but it was hard. It was something I wanted to keep safe but you sacrifice being real with people who support you, look up to you. I haven’t even told Tom who I dated before. Not the name. Not the specifics.

“Of course! It’s still your life, Tom. Don’t let it stop you from loving someone besides, with you being Spider-man! You could get any girl!”  _ You could get me. _

Tom laughed and I laughed with him. It occurred to me the truth of my words.  _ He could get anyone. _ Literally, thousands of girls would sign-up for him because he was Spider-man but not just that. He was beautiful and kind. What girl wouldn’t love that? Suddenly, my mood dropped. Not only do I have to worry about what would happen if he knew I was catching feelings for him but whether I would, against all those other girls, be the one he chooses. If I’m even a choice. I was looking at my hands as I unclenched them. I didn’t even realize my hands were balled into fists, trying to hold on to nothing. I looked at Tom to see if he saw my hands only to find that he had been looking at me this whole time.

“What?”  _ Did he see my ball up my fists? Oh no.  _ He said nothing at first and opened his mouth to say something but closed it again.  _ Just like the little bubble in the text messages. _

“Wha-at?” I repeated. He smiled. A beautiful and kind smile. The smile that knees go weak for.

“Nothing.” He turned to look at the street again. It was my turn to gaze at him.

“Do you think I could date a celebrity?,” he asked quietly like a little boy too shy to ask questions but is genuinely curious about the world. He turned to me and locked his eyes on mine. “I mean, is it hard? If both of us were famous?”

I looked away. I felt the blood pulsate all the way to my cheeks. I didn’t want to hope that it was possible that he could like me back especially the idea that we could be together. I’m not prepping myself up for disappointment and even if we could be together….”It is kind of…hard.”

“Yeah?”

“But not impossible. I guess. It depends on who you’ll be with, you know what I mean? Lots of celebrities end up together! Selena Gomez and Justin B— okay no they broke up, Channing Tatum— no they got a divorce. Uhm… Beyonce and Jay-Z! There you go! Two perfectly famous people.”

“Jay-Z cheated though.”

“Okay. But! But, they’re still together.” I said but Tom didn’t look convinced. I wasn’t either because WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS WOULD CHEAT ON BEYONCE?!

“Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone…,” Tom piped in.

“Yeah but I think they broke up…” Silence. Again. I can’t have this. “But you can be the exception.” He looked at me, I looked away. “I mean. Why are we comparing you to all these people? You’re not them. Tom. This is still your life. Don’t let other people tell you who you get to love or if you’re allowed to love. You know what I mean? I know this whole fame thing is scaring you but you’re still you. You still control YOUR life. If being in a relationship with someone who is famous, maybe as famous as the queen…”

“THE QUEEN? SHE’S TOO OLD!”

“B. Queen B. You didn’t let me finish!” We both laughed. “No matter who it is, crazy famous or not, as long as it makes you happy? Go for it. Shoot for the stars!”

“Or..rewrite the stars…” he whispered under his breath.

“SHUT UP! I was really in the moment.”

Tom laughed stupidly, leaning forward the way he does when he’s genuinely laughing so hard. “I know. I know. That’s some good advice.”

“Well. You know…” I said, flipping my hair, pretending to be snooty and proud. Tom was still staring at me with a smile on his face and I felt conscious about it. I looked down onto my toes and prayed to God, I didn’t start sweating because it was going to be seen through my shirt.

“Would you do it?,” Tom asked.

“Date someone famous?”

“Yeah?”

“Uhm… I mean yeah. If it made me happy, like I said.”  _ And you make me happy.  _ But this okay. It’s okay if we’re just friends. I don’t want this relationship to end and I know I shouldn’t be basing it off of the last relationship I had but if I do date Tom, what if ends bad? I need this face. I need his soul. He makes me feel like how someone people feel when they get a million likes on Instagram, validated in some way, like I belong somewhere, maybe right here, beside him. He was an extension of home. A comfort I never thought I needed.

“Did he make you happy?”

“Who?,” I said, snapping out of my reverie.

“Your ex?”

“I mean. We were together for 4 years so that must have accounted for SOME happiness,” I joked. Tom seemed serious, however. “Of course. Of course he made me happy. You wouldn’t last in a relationship that didn’t feel right. He made me laugh… a lot. Made me feel good about myself…and then it didn’t… then he just brought sadness…”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” I brushed it off.

“I didn’t mean to pry… We don’t have to talk about it…Sorry…”

“No, man, it’s all good. I really am over it. I’m just saying that…yeah for a time he made me happy. It ended bad but I can’t deny that for a time…” I shrugged. I hate looking back at it because I was so young and so ignorant. You always go in blind the first time but you come out smarter, wiser. Maybe a little bruised, sometimes walls up but when you can find someone to bring them down…I looked back at Tom who was still staring at me. I smiled at him to let him know I really was okay but he still had that look on his face. “Stop staring at me!”

“Sorry!,” he said as he put his hands up. He smiled and looked away.

Eventually our energies ran dry and we fell asleep. Tom leaned on my front door and I settled on his lap, one of his hands resting on my back. I want to say that that’s how Darnell found us but I think it wasn’t a smart move for Tom to have leaned on a DOOR. Imagine Darnell pulling it open, hysterical that I was not in bed.

_ SMACK. _

Tom’s head hit the floor of my house. “FUCK!”

“SHIT!” That was Darnell. I was luckily safe from any harm because I was cushioned by Tom’s legs.

“OH SHIT! TOM? TOM? ARE YOU ALRIGHT?” Darnell frantically lifted Tom’s head up and ran to the kitchen. I removed myself from Tom, “What the fuck happened?” Tom was rubbing the back of his head and had his eyes squeezed shut. “Why…do I… always get hurt…when you fall asleep…on…me?” he said in between breaths. “Ahhhhh…,” he released a painful breath.

“Fuck! I’m sorry!” I reached out for the back of his head and kneeled in front of him. There was a bump this time. “OW!” A big one.  _ Do you think his manager will kill me or Nikki… or his brothers…? Oops.  _ “Sorry, dude. But you shouldn’t have leaned on A DOOR!”

“Hey! I’m already injured here!!”

“Right, right, sorry.” I rubbed the areas surrounding the bump instead, careful not to touch it so it wouldn’t cause anymore pain that it already did. Darnell came back with a pack of ice.

“Here…” he gave me the ice and I held it to the bump on his head. “Ow..ow! OW! Careful!”

“Sorry…sorry… here you do it…” I said as I tried to hand the ice pack to him.

“No. it’s fine. You do it…” He pushed the ice away and I held it again to his head. I moved in closer so I wouldn’t strain myself and lifted his torso a little more. His eyes fluttered open.  _ We were so close again.  _ Those eyes stared back at me intensely and I could feel like something was happening.  _ Like a tornado in my stomach. What are you doing to me again, Tom?  _ We held each other’s gaze forgetting that Darnell was standing right behind us.

“WAIT! HOLD UP! What in the hell were you doing here in the first place huh?” Here we go again. Darnell is grandmother mode. “Yo Z! I was worried when you weren’t in bed? God knows you never leave that place and so imagine the fear that fell over me when I found it empty! Huh!?”

“I mean, it’s not like we left. We’re here,” I replied.

“AND TOM! Sorry again…for the head but why would you lean on the door…”

“I told him that too!” I exclaimed.

“HEY! HEY! Wait a minute. Wait a minute! I’m already hurt here! Am I really getting scolded on this?” and Tom pointed to the area where his bump was and where I was holding the ice pack on.

“Sorry ‘bout that, again. I guess not. What were y’all doin’ out here anyways?”

“We fell asleep,” I replied.

“On the front door?”

“Yeah.”

“When there’s a perfectly good couch inside?”

“We watched the sunrise and we were talking….” Tom said. When he said that, Darnell looked at me and suddenly had this look on his face like his whole demeanor changed from grandmother to brother. I knew that face. He was about to bust my ass.

“NO NO NO!,” I exclaimed. I gave Tom the ice pack and stood up to push Darnell inside. I cut off whatever Tom was going to say because I was terrified that Darnell was going to say something. He had a goofy ass smile on his face and wide eyes, which, as history would tell, was not a good thing.

“Oh shiiiit! Did you tell him?”

“What? What’s going on?,” Tom said as I left him and pulled Darnell and I out of earshot.

“SHHHHHH. No! Darnell shut up. I DIDN’T tell him anything. Why would you think that?,” I said in a loud whisper.

“Because sunrise shit is such a couple thing to do miss Daya, okay… also finding him here? When did he even come? I slept at one in the morning and the boy wasn’t here. So what time did he come, huh? WHY did he come?”

“Did you guys just really leave me out there? Really? Do you hate me that much?” Tom walked in, balancing the ice pack on his head and it already made his hair wet. “What are you whispering about?”

“Why are you here, Tom?” Darnell blatantly asked. My eyes grew wild. HE DID NOT JUST ASK THAT??? I hit Darnell in the arm, “OW! What?” Darnell rubbed his arm to ease the pain. “Shut up.” I whispered. Tom laughed at the sight.  _ Thank God. He just thinks Darnell is being funny. _

“I was helping Zendaya unpack her stuff. We both couldn’t sleep last night so I thought I could come over… Sorry… am I allowed to come over?”

“Yeah, of course! It’s MY house.” I emphasized the last part to Darnell and tried to send him a signal to shut the fuck up.

“Of course, Tom. You’re always welcome here, no prob. We good. Sorry if that came off wrong!”

“No pro— oh shit. What time is it?”

“Last time I checked around twelve…twelve thirty…”

“In the afternoon?!” Tom said, exasperated.

“Yeah?” Darnell replied.

_ What the fuck? We slept for that long?  _ I’m surprised none of us got cramps.

“OH FUCK! I HAVE TO GO! Sorry about, why am I saying sorry? Uhhh thanks…for the ice? I’ll see you…OH SHIT!”

“What!” Darnell and I said in unison.

“I asked someone, Brian, my manager’s driver to drop me off here…,” Tom explained.

“WAIT! I’ll drive you. Anyways, you can’t go out alone with that bump in your head.” Darnell said to Tom and he turned to me, “I’ll take your car. Okay?”

 

“Sure!” I said.

“Give me a sec. I’ll just get the keys. Bring him to your car already, Z.” Darnell left and I held Tom’s arm. I led him down to the garage where my car was parked.

“Sorry, again for THAT.”

“It’s cool. Literally.” He said, holding on to his ice pack. I laughed at how corny that pun was. How does he manage to make me feel better when I almost blew his head off? Not me, though. Darnell. But still.

“Thanks for helping me out, by the way. You’re really nice, you know that? Like. I can’t tell you enough.”

“It’s okay. I like the compliments, keep them coming, keep them coming.”

“If you didn’t have that bump in your head… I swear…”

We both laughed and Darnell eventually came. He opened the car and slipped into the driver seat. I opened the door for Tom and he went inside. Darnell started the engine and Tom had opened the passenger’s window.

“D’you know, in England, we do this thing to make the healing process faster…”

“What?!” I said too eagerly out of guilt, concern, and maybe fear that one his talent managers was going to have my head on a stake some time today.

“A kiss.” That took not only me by surprise but as well as Darnell. We both looked at each other like…  _ oh shit. He did not just…SHIT. _

“Kiss on the bruise? I was kidding about it being an English thing!” Tom laughed, amused at his joke that no one seemed to have gotten but himself. Darnell and I just laughed along with him. “Wait. Do you really not have it here?”

“We do…” Darnell said, focusing on the steering wheel.

“Keep dreaming, Spider-man,” I said coolly.

“I will,” Tom said with a smug.

“Okay, lovebirds. I remember someone was late for some shit… so are we going?”

“RIGHT! Okay. Let’s go. Bye, Love!” Tom waved like a little boy from inside the car. Darnell pressed on the gas and the car left. Tom has called me love a bunch of times before and other people too, it doesn’t mean anything but nowadays it doesn’t fail to send butterflies into my stomach. I wondered if Darnell saying “lovebirds” had any bearing on Tom. I stared at the ice pack in my hand, forgetting when I took it away from him. I walked back inside the house and dropped it in the sink.

Things haven’t changed. I was still falling for Tom. I say falling because I feel like every moment I spend with him I just dig deeper into the pit that is my feelings for him. But for the first time since I liked him, I was calm. It was possible to act like everything was normal, to act like things were the way before. I released a tired breath and dumped myself on to the couch. But it didn’t mean it made it any easier.

“I deserve an Oscar for best actress!” I mumbled into the pillow before falling back to sleep.


	4. Addicted To Your Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Halo by Beyonce

 

Speaking of the Oscars, Tom and I were attending this year. Just like in London, we decided to hang out prior to the event and also because we would need to do fittings with Law. So far the whole acting like everything is normal is working out for me and it actually feels like I can keep going like this. Just to prove that I’m really chill about this whole situation, I take a snap:

“I can’t take Tom anywhere.” I started recording. “He’s causing a scene.” Casual.  Not trying to hide anything. Taking snaps like old times. Though, I do really hate the new update.

We we’re walking around L.A. to get some lunch with Darnell tagging along. We went back to hanging out in normal daytime and the whole 2 am thing was forgotten. We were laughing and roasting each other as usual.  _ I was falling hard as usual.  _ Though, the beating of my heart no longer scared me like it did before. I was even comforted by it. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten used to the idea of me liking Tom but mostly, I think I was just grateful that I could feel this way again. You get so used to somebody making you feel happy and feel loved. Then, when they don’t, it just feels like you’ll never find it again. Of course, you will but things are always easier said than done. It’s always different when you’re swimming in your puddle of self-pity.

But here it is again. There’s a reason why people are obsessed with the idea of falling in love or just being in love. There’s a high to it. An actual happiness you can never fathom but pervades in your life that at random times you might just catch yourself smiling at nothing. I told Tom to go for something that made him happy and I should really take some of my advice. I’m just going to let myself feel whatever I feel, he never has to know anyways. Does it matter that we may never go beyond this? This friendship seems enough. I seem happy enough.

“We’re just friends” Tom says to paparazzi. He’s still not used to the attention, I mean, I wouldn’t be either. He swerves through different things on the street, cars, lamp posts, you name it, trying to hide himself from the paparazzi, while Darnell and I just walk through them because we’re used to this shit. But I mean, it also helped that I was stupidly happy.

Tom came over to my house on the day of the Oscars. We were in my room waiting for Law to arrive with our clothes. Darnell was in his room sleeping.  _ Grandmothers need their naps too. _ It was still early in the day, none of my make-up and hair team were here yet and Tom and I were just lying on my bed with Noon snuggled between us. We were both on our phones, like your stereotypical Millenial, too attached to their technology. I put it down and looked at Tom who was smiling at something on his phone. Probably a meme. Of himself. He abruptly looked at me with that smile and I looked at my phone again. He also looked back on his phone. I was going to say that hanging out together is completely useless if both of us are on our phones. We’re not really present. But I don’t know. I lost my confidence somewhere, maybe in his eyes.

I gnawed on my bottom lip, trying to find the courage to tell him we should put our phones down. I tried to look at him through my peripheral vision and he still had that smile on his face.  _ What was he looking at?  _ If it’s a meme, he better share it. Then, I caught him also giving me a side glance and I looked at my phone again. I scrolled through Twitter, trying to past time.

A message popped on my phone. It was from Tom: “Are we really going to spend today like this?” it read.

I looked at him and said “What the fuck? Why did you send a text?” I laughed at him. “You could say it, you know. We’re literally a Noon a part.” Tom was laughing too now.

“Well. You looked so invested on your phone, you might not notice me!” I shook my head.  _ Stupid boy. You’re all I notice.  _ I put down my phone on my bedside table and asked Tom to do the same.

“There. No phones.”

“No phones.” He repeated as he titled his head so that one small part of our foreheads touched. I froze. He turned a little to his side so he was facing me and I turned my head a little to face him without ever losing the connection of our foreheads. His eyes, dark but deep, stared into mine. I couldn’t breath but I could feel is breath on my skin. His nose was almost touching mine. I just held his gaze, wondering if I would ever be able to breathe again.

“How are you, love?” he whispered.

“Fine.” I replied rigidly. I felt like I was choking. I was running our of air but my heart kept beating faster and faster. I thought I was going to faint.  _ What the fuck, Tom? Don’t you see I already fell for you? What more do you want? _

“That’s nice to hear…” his eyes released my gaze and moved down. He was looking at my lips. I couldn’t move. It was like he was hitting a nerve on my forehead preventing me from functioning like a normal human being. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out.  _ Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. _

“H-ho-how about you?” I managed to croak out.

“I’m great.” He replied quickly and his eyes met mine again. A smile crept on his face. I swear I felt a thousand butterflies in my stomach burst from their cocoons, which translated to this wide ass grin that I felt was straining my cheeks. I didn’t know what was happening but I felt like the air in the room had changed like there were little fairies going around sprinkling fairy dust and it felt like I was being lifted off from where I lay on the bed.  _ Like I was flying. _

“Z…”

“Yeah?”

“I…uh…”

_ Ding.  _ The doorbell rang.

“That must be Law…” I whispered never removing my stare at him. “What were you going to say?”

“I, uhm, I need to uh…”

We hadn’t moved from our positions. I kept searching his eyes for answers.  _ You need what? What is this? What are we doing? _

_ “ _ They’re in there…” I heard from outside the hall. It was Darnell directing someone to my room. I took one last look at Tom waiting for him to say something but he didn’t. I sat up even though I know it didn’t matter if it was Law walking into our room and saw us lying there, foreheads touching, because I was kind of annoyed that Tom couldn’t finish his sentence.  _ It’s like that little bubble in the text message again. He’s always trying to say something and I’m always left to guess what it is . _

“Heeeeeey you two…” It was Law. He walked in and held up a coat cover while Darnell lagged behind him holding three other coat covers, which contained the clothes Tom and I was were going to wear.

After the usual greetings, “Hey law how you doin’’” and pretending like nothing had happened between Tom and I, we parted. He went downstairs to the guest bedroom to dress-up. It took us over 2 hours to get ready and to pack our next outfit for the after party. The Oscars had already began when I walked down the stairs to greet Tom who was wearing a black tux. It might have been my imagination but it seemed like both of us held our breaths at the exact same moment.  _ He looked so damn good. Jeez, Law. Really? Did you have to make him look so damn fine? _

“Y-y-you look…” Tom started. I raised my eyebrow.  _ Don’t tell me you’re not going to finish your sentence again. _ “Amazing…” his eyes glistened under my chandelier. I looked down, thank God once more that with this skin tone I couldn’t blush.

“You clean up well, too.” I replied, trying to keep my nerves down and the butterflies still just for a few moments so I don’t give myself away. I looked over to Darnell and Law who had proud faces on hopefully because we look good and not because they’re our biggest shippers.

We got into the car and drove up to the Oscars. Tom was quiet for most of the ride and I couldn’t afford to look at him either or start up the conversation because seeing him like this made me nervous all over again. I took a deep breath and cheered myself in my head.  _ You got this Daya. Just say something or else this car ride is going to be weird as fuck and you still have the rest of the night with him! Let’s go! Let’s go! _

“You okay?” I looked at Tom for the first time since we got into the car. His face was frozen solid staring into the scenes outside the car window. He looked at my face then scanning down and then back-up to my face. His jaw was swung open but nothing came out.

“Yeah” he choked out after a few second with a high-pitched voice that made me smile. He obviously wasn’t okay. He looked back to the window again.

“Are you nervous?” I asked. He simply swallowed. “You look good, Tom. Don’t worry” I added, trying to comfort him. He was so cute when he was nervous and he wasn’t even hiding it. Most guys would pretend that they’re all manly-man but Tom, he was so soft. He showed you how he felt, no toxic masculinity here, folks.

“Hey…“ calling him out again and he turned to me. “You got this!” A half smile crept up his face and I don’t know where I got the courage from but I held his hand and squeeze it, just for good measure, to let him know that I was here for him…as a friend. Because we’re friends. He looked at our hands holding and I was supposed to do it quickly, a little squeeze and let go but he held back. He intertwined his fingers with mine and lord knows I wasn’t going to be the first one to let go.

“Thanks, Z…”

“Sure!” Now it was my turn to have a high pitch voice.

“You look amazing by the way.”

“I know. You said…back in the house” I gave a weak laugh because here we again with the feelings and the nervousness and he was still holding my hand. Can Darnell see this? Can Law?

“Oh…I did?” Tom asked, and I nodded.

“Oh. Well. Yeah. You just…you do.”

“Thanks.” I smiled.

We pulled up in front of the red carpet and Tom was still holding my hand. I looked down on it and gave it one last squeeze. “You ready?” I asked Tom who was biting his lower lip. He looked at me and squeezed back.

“You’re going to kill it tonight” was his reply.

“So will you…” I said and he shrugged. “You’re paying me a lot of compliments tonight, huh? What’s the catch?” I teased.

“You deserve it” he said before he let go my hand and stepped out to face the flashing lights. I followed suit. Darnell and Law trailing behind well, my trail.

“Y’all are really cheesy…” Darnell commented from behind me. I couldn’t help but smile.

After all the photos had been taken, we walked inside the venue and found our seats. Naturally, Tom and I sat beside each other. Law and Darnell left us and would be back to pick us up later to change into our second outfits. It was one of those rare moments again where I was alone with Tom although, there were thousands of other people in the room…it was different when Darnell or Law wasn’t with us.

A girl with a headset on and a clipboard walked towards our aisle. She whispered something to Tom and he nodded back. She must be part of the production team. I bet it takes a village to host the Oscars.

“Baby…”

That was Tom. Was he talking to me? He must be because the lady wasn’t there anymore.

“What did you say?”

“I said they’re calling me up already to present. I’ll be right back.”

“No…before that?” Tom scrunched up his forehead, looking confused. I was confused. I’m pretty sure I heard what I heard. “You said baby? You called me baby?”

“I…gotta go,” Tom said and he stood up to leave. I looked back on the stage, still confused. I needed to know if this was my head making up things again. I needed to be sure or else I was going to spend the whole night trying to figure it out. I tapped the lady beside me and whispered to her, “Did you hear what he said? Did he say baby?” I think, _ this is harmless. I’m just trying to clarify something. _

The lady was nice enough to answer, “Yeah. He said baby…”

“Oh.”

“First time he called you that, huh?”

“Yeah…” So I wasn’t making it up.

“Pet names are weird in general. I was a little surprised too the first time my boyfriend called me that but you’ll get used to it…” She smiled reassuringly. But I  was the opposite of reassured. My eyes grew wide.  _ Oh shit. _

“He’s not my boyfriend” I said quickly. “We’re just friends” I said while trying to fake a laugh to seem casual.  _ I wasn’t panicking. I’m fine. _

“Oh…well that’s…complicated.” The lady turned away so it wouldn’t be more awkward than it already was. I couldn’t blame her. It  _ was _ complicated. I turned to face the stage as well and there was Tom with Gina Rodriguez holding his arm.

Honestly, it wasn’t a big deal. It was a slip of the tongue. I doubt it meant anything else. What I should be asking him about is the whole forehead touching thing and the many times he wanted to say something but never did. 

“So how wa—“

“You called me baby.”

Tom came back a few minutes after he presented on stage. His butt hadn’t even touched the chair yet when I blurted it out. He slowly sat down with eyes wide open, mouth wide open. _FUCK! Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I can’t believe I just said that! Zendaya, girl!_

“Psh. I did not.” He said, never looking at me and he crossed his arms.  _ Might as well go along with it or you’re going to embarrass yourself. Just tease him. Roast him, yeah. You’re good at that. Remember you’re an actress? _

“You did! Tom, you called me baby!” I said as I slapped his arm.

“No, I, uh, No I said ‘Hey..Z…’”

“Right…right…” I said sarcastically.

“Maybe you  _ want _ me to call you baby…”

_ Oh shit. This boy is good. Do I like him so much that I’m going to allow myself to lose to him? NOPE. _

“Uh-huh. Nice comeback, nerd. If you wanna be my boyfriend, all you gotta do is ask!” I rolled my eyes and tried to sass but internally I was panicking.  _ Where is all this confidence coming from, really? Bitch you better shut up before you say something stupid.  _ Tom didn’t reply and it only made my panic meter go higher. I could feel the sweat coming on.  _ Say something, say something, say something! _

“Besides, I don’t like being called baby,” I said, trying to fill up that god forsaken awkward silence that we have been getting a lot lately!

“What do you want to be called then?”

“Queen.” Of course, I had that answer prepared being the biggest fan of Beyonce. He chuckled and I laughed with him. That was enough to release the tension that maybe only I was feeling.

We came back to my house to change into our next outfits. I slipped into my dress and walked out of my room. Tom was standing outside wearing his new set of clothes and I saw him catch his breath, jaw swung open. I thought that only happened in movies. I wondered if that’s how I looked whenever I saw him. I wondered if that’s how I looked now looking at him.

“You look incredible…again!” He said as if in disbelief. I giggled.

“Well, Law is outdoing himself tonight for the both of us!” I replied, referring to how he also looked amazing.

“How many times are you going to slay me tonight?” Tom joked.

“Just a couple…” I said softly because all these compliments were creating all these feeling inside of me and I had to bite down my huge smile. He offered his arm and we took the stairs down together. The whole time he was facing me, I was looking down on the steps. One, because I didn’t want to trip, and two because I couldn’t look at him again. I could feel the tension building up in between our heads and if I look at him it might just explode.  _ I’m in the deep end now. There’s no turning back from this. _

We spent the rest of the night casually talking to each other with the usual bickers. There was nothing weird in the air. I could breathe again. He never left my side though, it was like he was tied to my hip or something but I didn’t mind of course. When we weaved through the crowd, his hand would find the small of my back. Once, just like it was in London, he had held my hand as we navigated through the maze of people.  _ I wish I could hold that hand because I can, because I want to, just ‘cause. _

I realized how more enjoyable these after-partys were with him. I could be myself around him, which meant I could be myself with other people. I was introvert growing up, like it was so bad that my parents even had to ask help from other people on how to bring up a shy child. One day, my dad asked me to sing on stage, just to try it despite my reluctance, I did it. And I loved it. That’s how I felt now. I’ve been to these parties before but having him around brought some sort of confidence. He’s giving me something I never realized I lacked but now, I loved. His presence.

Every now and then we would get separated in the crowds of people and I would look for him. When I did, I always found him staring back like we were each other’s safe base.

“Mom…”

“Yeah?”

“I’m in some deep shit.” It’s been almost a month since the Oscars. Tom and I were still talking like normal, sending snaps to each other like normal, basically nothing has changed. But I swear, that night at the Oscars something did change.

My mom had come over to my house to have some mother-daughter bonding time. She was teaching me how to bake stuff again. She had found this youtube video of Karlie Kloss baking vegan cookies and wanted us to try it out. We were currently on the couch waiting for the timer to go off signaling that our cookies were done when I decided I needed to talk to her about my situation with Tom.

“Watch your language, Daya!”

“I get it from you!” I laughed.

“Okay but what kind of shit are you in?”  she said as she picked up Noon and put him on her lap. Even if I was 21 years old, having my mom around felt like I was six again and everything in the world was much simpler.

“There’s this thing…with Tom… I don’t think I told you but…”

“You like him.”

“Yeah…” Of course she knows. Could I really expect Darnell, the suck-up to my mother, they were basically instant best friends when they first met, to not tell her about my feelings towards Tom?

“Have you told him yet?” She looked me in the eye while still caressing Noon on his back. I felt so stupid for being so occupied with this whole feelings thing. My mom and I used to discuss important things like racism, education, and feminism. Not boys.

I couldn’t help it, though. What I decide to do, to tell him or not to tell him, it’s going to affect how we go on from there. It’s not like I can push him aside if I find out he doesn’t like me back. I still have to work with him for the succeeding Spider-man movies.  _ Unless they kill me like they did Emma Stone. _

“No…I don’t know if I should…” I bit the end of my thumbnail.

“Why not?” She pulled my hand down to prevent me from finishing off my whole thumb.  _ Thank god for fake nails. _

“I don’t know. Things have been weird lately…UGH! I hate talking about this! It just seems so shallow and girly-girly.” I shoved my face into my pillow.

“Come on now, Daya. It’s fine. We all have days like this. It makes us human. You don’t have to be serious all the time. You can worry about liking a boy. You’re only 21. This is the first time you’re actually acting your age. Most of the time you act like a grandmother!” My mom shook me as she comforted me. I looked up from my pillow to see her smiling at me and she wiggled her eyebrows. I chuckled. “Come on. Tell me about your… _ feelings…”  _ she poked my side.

“Okay…so…the night of the Oscars…”

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!” Noon got surprised and jumped off. He ran to his bed, finding safety there.

“Nothing! MOM!” My mom was laughing. How was I supposed to open up when she keeps mocking me.

“I’m kidding Z, go on…”

“Okay. I just feel like that night. The night of the Oscars…I don’t know…maybe he likes me back, you know? But I mean, is it enough to tell him that I like him? I’m not even sure if what I felt that night…if you know, it’s just my head messing with me…”

“Why what happened?”

I told my mom everything from the forehead touching to never leaving my side the whole night. Recalling it to my mom, it didn’t seem so special. Now, I was more confused than ever. Everything could just be playful flirting because we were so damn close and I was reading into it too much. I bit my bottom lip after I told my mom everything. She just smiled at me.

“I know, it’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid.” My mom was still smiling at me weirdly and I couldn’t take it. I shoved my face back into the pillow on the couch.

“So you think he likes you?”

I lifted my head from the pillow and said, “I don’t know! Now that I think about it, I might have misread everything!” My mom pulled my shirt so I would sit up from where I dug my head into the pillows like an ostrich. I felt so stupid. This whole part about liking someone feels stupid. Can’t we fast forward it to the part that I already have a boyfriend? UGH!

“Daya… listen.” She hold my face in both of my hands. “He likes you.”

I looked at her and eyes were becoming dreamy. I think she could tell I wasn’t buying it for one second. You know moms, they tell you want you want to hear and I love her for that, but this time was different. She pulled me into an embrace. Now I  _ really _ feel like I’m six years old. I could feel the vibrations on her chest as she giggled and then she let me go.

“It could be just that night, you know what I mean? Right now, days after the Oscars nothings changed. We still act like we’re  _ just  _ friends.”

“Because he’s taking cues from you.” My mom said matter-of-factly.

“What?”

“Daya! The whole world isn’t wrong. They see it! He’s got it bad for you even before that night. Why, me and your Dad joke about it all the time. He’s like a little puppy following you around with those big brown eyes.  He told me the first time Tom met you it was instant heart eyes! He couldn’t have fallen faster.”

“Mom, I don’t uu-understand…”

“Zendaya, he has liked you ever since. You know the cliche love at first sight? Pretty sure that’s what happened to the poor boy. I knew it would take you some time to realize it but Darnell is right, you have gone slow!” I was shocked. I couldn’t believe this was coming from my mom. I thought she would be calm and tell me all those wise weird words like love is patient and life finds it way to destiny or something. Anything but this.

“Z. You should tell him. The boy is as deep shit as you. I think even deeper and the only reason he hasn’t acted on it because you never let on that maybe you like him too…He’s been googly eyes for you for so long…Every time you walk in the room, it’s like he only sees you… I couldn’t ask for anyone else to like you the way he does, with so much respect for you and for the people you love. But most of all, he makes you happy.”

There it is again. Happiness. My mom was being serious now. I can’t believe she has noticed for so long, why didn’t I?

  
  



	5. The Stars Would've Waited

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Stars Falling Down by Kina Grannis

Today is Tom’s last day in L.A. before he flies off for the press tour of Avenger’s Infinity War. He came over to my house and asked if we could walk around. I asked Darnell to come along with us because I found it rude to just leave him in the house. Also, because I needed a little back-up just in case I choked. I had this idea of telling Tom about how I felt. I was just waiting for the right moment and if the right moment came while we were out, I needed some back-up.

However, once we were out, Darnell all of a sudden had some “errands” AGAIN. Of course, that meant he was finding an excuse for Tom and I to be alone. I knew it was him big brother-ing me. I told you, he knows me so well. I didn’t have to tell him that I had plans to tell Tom. That and because him and my mom talked about it behind my back. They did it because they cared, I know that. They’re all rooting for me. It’s just me who isn’t rooting for me. Walking on a red carpet was a different form of confidence than telling someone you like them.

I just need some sign, a green light to press on the gas and say ‘hey dude, I like you.’ Anything, give me something, universe. 

Tom and I passed by a comic book store. He grabbed my hand and pulled me into it so fast that I started to see stars. 

“Omg! Look at these!!” He was still holding my hand when we started looking through the comic books and only had let go when he jumped to another pile excitedly. I watched him as he moved around the store like The Flash (not the bully, the superhero), like there was something more interesting in the next pile and the next pile. He looked so cute running around and I could feel a smile creep up my face reminding me of how hard I fell for this boy. I mean, look at him. Who wouldn’t fall for him? Could he blame me? 

“Hey!” Tom said, coming up to me.

“What?” 

“Do you want that?” He pointed to the comic I had pulled out midway. I didn’t notice I was even holding it. I must have stood there like a deer in headlights - frozen. The whole time Tom was looking at comics, I was only looking at him. I inserted the comic back from where I got it.

“Nah…I was just looking at it.” I shrugged.

“Okay, good because I got you something better!” He pulled me towards the cashier.

“Hey Mike! Do you have it?”

“Hey Tom! Yeah I got it here!” who I am assuming is Mike was talking, a white guy in his late 30’s. He opened a slide door behind the cash register and emerged with a box full of comics. He dropped it on a table and had his back to us.

“Of course you’re the special lady he reserved this for!” Mike teased. He was talking to me when he turned to face us. In his hand, brought out in front of me was a Spider-man comic book. Not just any comic book. The very first one. 

“Oh. I guess?,” I replied to Mike. I looked at Tom who wouldn’t look up at me and his big ears were starting to turn pink.

“Good haggler this one! He’s a keep—”

“Ha-ha! Okay… Thanks again Mike but we really have to go.” 

“Right. Right. Do you want me to uh…put it inside a paper bag?”

“Z?” Tom asked me.

“Yes please!” I said. 

Mike mumbled as he grabbed a paper bag and slid my comic book in,. “This is really one of a kind. You must be something, I mean your miss Zendaya, but would I give up…this comic book for any gal?” he said under his breath but loud enough that I could hear him but I was sure that Tom could hear him too. 

“Uhhh thanks again Mike, see you soon man” Tom said as he quickly picked up the paper bag and went straight for the door. 

“Wait! Wait! Tom!” I said lagging behind him. He stopped and I was able reach out for the paper bag. “What’s your hurry?” 

“Oh. Nothing. Sorry. Yeah. You didn’t even get to…”

We moved out of the doorway and stood outside the comic book shop. I pulled the comic book from inside the paper bag and looked at it again. I couldn’t believe Tom got this for me. Several thoughts ran through my head.

I didn’t even know these still existed and right under my nose! There was one here in L.A.? This must’ve cost a fortune! Did he get one for himself too? I mean, he should be the one keeping this? He’s spider-man! Yeah, I’m a big fan and I’m not even being biased. Before, I got the role of Michelle, my favorite superhero has always been spider-man but—

“I can’t believe you got this for me…” I whispered under my breath, still staring at the comic book in mint condition still wrapped in plastic. “Amazing Fantasy” it read on the cover. “12 cents,” the little logo read and I touched it with my finger.

“Do you like it?” I looked up at and saw Tom with his big brown eyes staring back at me.

“I love it…” I smiled at him and gave him a hug. When we let go I said, “So you’ve been here before?” I pointed at the comic book store.

“Yeah, I mean. A couple of times,” he shrugged.

“Uh-huh. Couple times that the guy at the cashier already knows your name?”

“It’s an easy name to remember…”

“So I’m guessing it was just a coincidence that we passed by here too huh?”

“No. Okay,” he admitted with his head hung low. “I planned it but hey, it’s our last day hanging out together! I wanted to give you something spe— nice. Give you something…nice…”

“This…this is more than nice! Thank you Tom! This really means a lot. I can’t believe you! How did you even get this? Did you get one for yourself?”

“No..uh..it was just one copy and I wanted to give it to you. I know how much you like Spider-man.”

You mean you…how much I like you…

“But you’re Spider-man! Don’t you want this for yourself?”

“Nah… I really got it for you.” He put his hands in his pockets and his ears were still pink moving towards red now. I wondered if this was it. Was this the green light to tell Tom how I felt? Would any guy, who didn’t feel something for his friend, actually go out his way and do this? Can I still say he was just being nice? To be honest, I’ve only known him for less than two years and yet I spend almost every second I can with him. If he didn’t feel the same way, why spend this much time with me? He could literally get any girl, any girl he wants… 

“Hey Tom!” It was Mike. He walked out of the comic book store and asked Tom if he could take a picture with the Spider-man statue.

“Sure, man!,” Tom said as he moved to the side of the Spider-man statue who was wearing the hoodie from our fictional high school in Spider-man: Homecoming. I didn’t even notice it because Tom was too excited to get into the comic book store. We admired it for a bit saying how cool it was they got all the details.

“They didn’t get one thing though…your height.” I used my hands to show the difference between Tom’s height and the statue’s.

“Shut up, Zendaya! Let’s just take the picture.” 

“Nah, you go ahead. You can take a picture. You’re Spider-man!” I said stepping back. He can have this moment. He already gave me the comic book. I didn’t even think of a going away present. I mean, we could still talk to each other on the phone. It’s not like he’s going to be gone forever and we were still just friends, right? There’s no point getting sentimental. Unless…I looked at the comic book in my hand, already inside the paper bag.

“Hey, why don’t you join your boyfriend?,” said Mike and he nudged me.

“Oh. He’s not—“   
“Mike…”

Tom and I said at the same time.

“Just go!” and with that Mike pushed me towards Tom.

“Come on, Z!”

“Go!” Mike encouraged, “Spider-man needs his MJ!” 

“Yeah…” Tom said quietly.

I walked over and took the picture. 

———

Darnell caught up with us and we decided to drive back home to my place. We ordered some take out because lord knows none of us can cook for shit. My kitchen is literally only used when my family comes over. Other than that, the refrigerator is the only appliance that gets noticed on a daily basis. 

The sun was going down and Darnell decided to take Noon out for a walk. Ha get it because his name is Noon for afternoon… so…you know….never mind. Usually I would do it but Noon needs the exercise that only Darnell could give because I cannot run any faster than .05 km/hour. Okay, I don’t know if that’s the exact speed but you get my point, I don’t walk fast nor do I run.

I walked them out the door but before they left Darnell had asked me if I had told Tom about my feelings already.

“No…”

“Why not? What are you waiting for, Z?”

“Shhh… keep your voice down.” Tom was just in the living room going through Netflix. He didn’t seem to hear us or he would’ve asked why we were whispering.

“I need…time…”

“He’s leaving tomorrow. There is no better time! If he likes you, y’all can be cute on the phone and if he doesn’t, you don’t have to see him for like what? Three months?”

“Well! I need a sign then! Like a go signal. I can’t just come up to him and be like ‘oh yeah by the way I like you bro ha-ha’” I raised my eyebrows at Darnell to make my point.

“Zendeesha, listen, you don’t need signs” Noon was starting to pull at Darnell. “But if you still need it, it’s everywhere. The boy likes you, Z. Stop making him wait…Like how I’m making Noon wait.” Noon was becoming restless. “I’ll see you guys in awhile.” Darnell ran off before I even got a word in. 

I closed the door and walked towards the living room. I plopped myself down on the couch beside Tom. He moved his arm behind my shoulders. Do I do it now? 

“What movie are we watching?” Tom asked without even looking away from the T.V.

Or I could do it later… 

We couldn’t decide what movie to watch so we started searching with out phones but easily got distracted when I found a meme on Twitter. Eventually, we never got to watching a movie. We just kept passing our phones to each other, looking for the funniest things the Internet had to offer. 

“Ooooh…what’s this?”

“What?” I crawled over to his side of the couch and looked at his phone. It was a video from my app of me looking through my keepsake box that someone had reposted on Instagram.

“What’s a keepsake box?” Tom asked.

“It’s like a box of memories. You put little stuff in them from all your memorable moments.” 

Tom was still watching the short clip of what was a longer video. It cuts exactly before I show the love letters that my ex had given me before. 

“Aww! I wanna see the rest of what’s in it!,” Tom says to his phone before he turns to me to say, “D’you still have it?”

“Sure…” I said a little apprehensively. “It’s upstairs…” I didn’t understand where the fear was coming from but my gut was telling me it wasn’t a good idea to unbox a bunch of stuff my ex had given me. I mean, the whole box wasn’t filled with things he gave me but there was enough items to make the situation weird. Nonetheless, I lead Tom to the storage room where things like gowns I wore when I was 16 to items I had even before I got famous were kept. They were inside these neatly piled plastic boxes that looked like big tupperwares. Still, there were things lying around and it took me awhile to find my keepsake box. Once I grabbed it, I sat on the floor and Tom followed suit. 

“Let’s see…” I picked up the first thing on there, which was the 3D glasses from watching the Amazing Spider-man movie.

“Oh cool!” Tom said as he got the glasses from my hand. “I saw this in the video! Your first date was to this right?” He looked up at me.

“Yup…” My voice was another pitch higher again.

“Cool…” Tom tried it on and then set it aside. He picked up another item inside my box. The letters were still at the bottom so it would take us awhile to get to them. Hopefully, we never get to them. 

“You really like going to the movies, huh?” Tom commented on the amount of movie tickets inside the box. Some were already fading and you couldn’t make out what it said.

“It says….’The Lost City of Z’” Tom said.

“It does not!”

“That’s a really good film. I heard there’s a really amazing bloke on there. Really talented. Bred for an Oscar they say!” Tom said sarcastically. 

“Shut up!” I said grabbing the ticket from him and tried deciphering the words myself.

“How can you read it!? You don’t even have your glasses on, love.” He grabbed the tickets from my hand.

“Well! I don’t have to read it because I’m the one who watched those movies, ‘kay?” He was right though. I don’t know why I was trying to fight him over what’s written on the tickets when even non-faded words are blurred to me.

Tom gasped dramatically, “You’ve never watched my film?!”

“Daaaaaaaaamn Tom!”

“What?”

“Of course I’ve watched your films!”

“Oh.” His ears turned really pink again like it did back at the comic book store. “You’ve watched my films?” he had a smug plastered on his face and I swear if I wasn’t so goddamn into him it would be the most annoying thing in the whole world. 

“Yeah…” 

“Like, everything?”

“…” 

“Z?”

“Yeah okay! I did. It was for research! I needed to know if you had…”

“Had what?” Tom pressed on.

“Talent!” I sassed at him.

“OOOH!!! That was low, mate. Real low.” I was laughing hysterically and he joined me.

“I bet you haven’t watched my films” I said as our laughing died down. Tom suddenly made this face and reached out with his right hand.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m you! When you swung—“ he did the face again with the hand “and you met Zac Efron…like this…” then he started singing “I am brave, I am bruised...” I giggled. He was so stupid but I loved him for it. He could embarrass himself in front of people, none of that “too cool” for you attitude. Ugh. My thoughts were nagging at me to tell him already. A little voice kept saying “Say it. Zendeesha say it!” and it sounded a lot like Darnell. Yet, I still couldn’t find the courage.

“Nooo! The ones before!” I said as I poked him on his side and it tickled him a little. I just need a segway. 

“You want me to watch your old films? Like what, when you were 12?”

“Good point. Nevermind.” Okay I don’t need a segway but this is harder than it looks. Do I just blurt it out? 

“Like from Frenemies, Zapped, did Shake It Up have a movie? Because I don’t re—”

“Oh fuck you!” 

“I personally, like Zac Efron better than the dude from Zapped”

“SHUT UP!” I flipped him.

“Awww come on now, how about you show me some…HAPPY SMILEY FACES!!!” 

My eyes grew wide and my jaw swung open. I started swatting him things that were scattered on the floor: the movie tickets, some clothes that weren’t put into their proper bins, other papers that were inside my keepsake box. Tom stood up and tried to protect himself all the while laughing. I was laughing too. He started getting revenge and threw things at me.

“Can you smell the dinner, Z?” Tom teased, using the lines I had said in my very first youtube video that I had done a reaction video to on my app. This was some quality roasting. Not bad Tom, not bad. 

He was getting pummeled by all the things I could get my hands on and that caused him to trip on the keepsake box and the contents went tumbling out until the red envelopes could be seen poking out. Tom looked down to see what he had tripped over and I felt my blood rush through me. He picked up the three envelopes, still with his smug face on not knowing that these envelopes were not just any envelopes.

“Oohhh….what are these?” I didn’t say a word. It was too late. I wouldn’t be able to hide it from him any longer and I didn’t see any reason to either. 

“Z?”

“Yup?”

“Can I open ‘em?”

“I don’t think you should…they’re sort of…from my…ex.”

“Oh.” He looked at them. “Here. Sorry.” He handed them to me.

“It’s fine. I should probably throw it anyway. No point in keeping them, am I right?” I chuckled, trying to make the situation lighter. I looked down at the envelopes and rubbed my thumb on one them. I don’t know why I still kept them. I didn’t think it mattered. 

“They’re love letters…from Valentine’s.” And I don’t know why I said that. 

“Oh….yeah…they look like…they are…” Tom swallowed.

“Anyways!” I put the letters aside and sat back down and tried to collect the things we used to throw at each other. Tom squatted down and started to help me. Silence filled the room. 

Why did I wait so long to tell him? Now I can’t tell him how I feel. 

“Z?”

“Hm?” I said without ever looking up at him, I just kept putting stuff in the keepsake box.

“I don’t mean to be nosy or whatever…I mean, you can…not answer…”

“Go ahead, dude!” I said, trying to pull off a cool and collective Zendaya when I could feel myself getting all nervous again.

“I just uhm, I uh…why do you still uh…keep the, the…letters?”

“Oh.”

“You don’t have to answer. Sorry. None of my business.” Tom said quickly. 

“It’s fine! I told you, I’m over it. You can ask me anything about…Trevor. That’s his name.”

“Oh ok.” Tom looked relieved but he was still waiting for my answer. 

“I guess. I don’t know... It’s just a reminder that someone had loved me once, you know what I mean? Like, yeah my family and friends…love me but this was different. It was special....Remember, I said that it wasn’t all bad? These letters were one of those ‘not all bad’. I haven’t looked at them since the break-up. It’s not like I’m pining over him. I really am not. It’s just the thought, you know. Someone spending their time to handwrite this thing made just for you.”

“...”

“It cheesy I know…”

“It’s not. It’s sweet.” He gave a weak smile. I didn’t know how to read him. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. I searched his eyes that wouldn’t look at me but had nailed themselves on the floor. I could see his ears though, pink as ever. 

“Zendaya?”

“Tom?”

“Do you think…uhm…” he swallowed. “You think you can…maybe, like someone else? I mean, after Trevor. Have you uh…I mean you said you moved on but can you see your, uhm…” 

“Can I like anyone else?” 

“Yeah?” His head shot up the way Noon does when I tell him it’s lunch time. So cute. It’s probably not wise to compare Tom to my dog but I love them both, anyways. 

Darnell’s voice was in my head again, nagging me that this was the moment, this was the sign I was waiting for. Tom had turned this whole awkward situation to the perfect time to tell him how I felt. How can he do that? He always makes the bad into good somehow even as he stutters and avoids my gaze. 

“I do.”

“You do?”

“Like someone…”

“Oh.”

“Tom I-”  
“Does—“ We spoke at the same time.

“Oh sorry”  
“Sorry” and we did it again.

“What were you gonna say?” Tom said.

“No, you go first.”

“Oh. Uhm. Right. The person you like…does he…make you happy?” He finally looked at me, locking his gaze with mine.

“Definitely.” This was it. I was about to tell him how I felt. That little smile he’s trying to suppress, I can feel that he too knows where this is going. 

“Tom—“

“Z! TOM! WHERE ARE YOU GUYS?!” Darnell shouted from the bottom of the stairs. I closed my eyes shut, annoyed at the timing. REALLY DARNELL?! 

“Z?! TOM?! THERE’S A PHONE RING—RINGING AND— OH SHIT THERE’S 10 MISSED CALLS!” Darnell continued to shout. I opened my eyes to a shocked Tom with his eyes wide.

“Shit!” Tom ran out and I followed him.

“Shit shit shit shit shit” He said as he grabbed the phone from Darnell.

“Where the hell were you two? Why weren’t you answering me?” Darnell nagged.

“Is that why you left 10 missed calls on Tom’s phone?” 

“No. It’s Harrison. I was supposed to be back 30 minutes ago. Shit. I totally forgot. I haven’t packed for anything. Shit. I always lose time when I’m here… Sorry, Z. I have to go. Thanks for having me. I’m gonna miss you guys!” Tom came over and gave Darnell a hug and gave Noon a little rub.

“I’ll walk you out” I said. I followed Tom to the door and closed it behind me. He turned around before we could reach his car. 

“Why am I always late for something when I come to your house? I’m pretty sure it’s cursed.” He joked.

“Me too.” I laughed.

“I’m really going to miss you, Zendaya.”

“I’m really going to miss you too, Tom. It’s not like we can’t call each other up. You know that, right?”

“Yeah…but it’s different…from having you around like this…” and with that he hugged me. I clung on as much as I could and tried to memorize how he felt. I won’t have this for a couple of months. It’s not that long, I know, but he’s right. It’s going to be different. So should I tell him now? 

We pulled apart and his hands trailed my arms until they were holding my wrists. I wanted to give him something like he gave me the comic book. I wanted to leave him with my feelings, with my heart.

“Bye” he said and he let go of me. He got into his car and I felt the moment pass. I watched him as image got smaller as he drove away.

“Bye.” I whispered to myself. Not even a goodbye because we both knew there wasn’t anything good in our parting. I walked back into the house, restless that I didn’t get to tell Tom that I liked him. All this prepping up for nothing. I wondered if I could just call him up as he drove and just spill it. 

“So what did Tom say?” Darnell peeped from behind the kitchen counter.

“He said bye.”

“WHAT?! HOLD UP! HOLD UP!” Darnell said as he clapped his hands together. “When you told him you liked him, he said ‘bye’? What the fuck?”

“Oh. That.”

“Yes. That. Miss Zendeesha? So are we blocking him out fro—“

“I didn’t get to tell him…”

“WHAT!? ZENDAYA MAREE! ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU—“

“YOU CAME IN! I was going to say it and then you came in and started yelling and he had to go and this is all just one big mess…”

Darnell didn’t say anything. He just stared at me, looking pissed. Why was he pissed? He was the one who barged in on me trying to tell Tom that I liked him.

“What if I’m not supposed to tell him Darnell? Why is it so hard? It shouldn’t be this hard.”

“Z…did anything, and I mean ANYTHING you’ve ever gotten in your life come easy?”

“No.”

“NO! So you need to stop making excuses, stop prolonging this and just call up the boy and tell him you like him! It’s never easy to put yourself in a vulnerable position, especially after everything you’ve gone through with Trevor but I BET YO ASS you will regret not telling Tom sooner, and by sooner I mean now that you like him.”

“FINE!” I climbed up the stairs, remembering that I had brought my phone up with me when Tom and I went to the storage room. I come up and realized that Tom and I left the room in disarray. I couldn’t remember where I set down my phone. I looked around and I could feel myself panicking because as more time passed, the faster my courage to tell Tom about my feelings slipped away. Where is it? Where is it? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

Then I found it. Beside the three red envelopes. I rested my hand on top of my phone. This was it. My heart was going to be out in the open again and even though, I could feel somehow that Tom felt the same way…I was terrified. Darnell was right though, if I don’t do it now I’m going to regret it.

If it was out there again, it can be broken again. These letters remind me that there was once something beautiful between Trevor and I. More beauty than pain, if I were to be completely honest. Although, I know that Tom couldn’t hurt me, wouldn’t hurt me, didn’t I think that way before about Trevor? How was this any different? Trevor made me happy too. Tom could just turn out to be another set of old letters I keep at the bottom of a shoebox, ready for another person to find and ask “why do you still keep them?” 

But I’ve never had it easy. Darnell was right again. I always had to work for the things I got. Sometimes even harder than if I were a little shade lighter. Why should love be the exception? Acting makes me happy. Dancing makes me happy. This life I’ve built makes me happy but there were tears to be shed so that I knew what happiness looked like. You don’t know joy until you’ve felt pain. You don’t know abundance until you’ve felt loss. Love was just something I needed to work hard for, get a little bruised up for until you find the right one. I’m not saying Tom is the one, I just wanted to tell him I like him, that’s all. Just a little risk.

Ding.

I checked my phone to see if the sound came from it. Nope. No messages. I opened it and searched for Tom’s name.

“Z! Someone’s at the door!” Darnell called out from downstairs. Now he sounds like a grandmother. Who even says that nowadays? Also who the fuck was ringing in tonight? 

Ding-ding

“Z! Can ya get the door!? I’m doing the dishes!” Darnell called out again. I dropped my phone. Damn it, Darnell. I swear, it’s YOUR fault I haven’t told Tom how I felt. I ran downstairs and swung the door open. This better be some free vegetarian pizza or I’m—

“Tom?”

“I like you.”

Tom was standing outside my door, shifting his weight from one leg to another. Only a few minutes have gone by since he left and yet here he was in a new change of clothes. I couldn’t believe it. What did he say?

“Like, a lot actually…” he had a boyish smile and I felt lightheaded.

“What time is it? Aren’t you late for your flight? What are you doing here?” I panicked.

“I just— I uhm, did, didya-did you hear what I-what I said?” I did but I couldn’t fucking believe it. This was happening? This was actually happening. The thundering in my heart was like a thousands drums. I breathed in but for some reason I couldn’t release it like my whole body was physically trying to keep this moment forever, keep it in my blood to my bones. 

“Yeah… Tom I-“

“I know it’s a risk telling you but I just had to like, I felt like, I felt like I should, I should say it you know? I do. I like you. Ever since.” He was talking so fast that he was also losing his breath but he kept going. 

“The very first time I saw you and I keep saying it’s the most embarrassing thing EVER because I made such a fool of myself seeing you…. day one I just. I lost it. Z. I just fell hard. You haven’t even spoken two words to me besides ‘hey man!’ and yet, I, I just. I knew I was in deep. Just like that. And every moment being with you just made me sink in deeper. I’ve just been trying to figure out if I should tell you because, you know, you’re this big star and I-I don’t know. You got out of a break-up and I just got out of one and I didn’t know if you...like me. I’m not saying you do! I’m saying I…do.”

“Tom…”

“I know. I know. I know. Shit.” He paced back and forth. He was still standing outside my door. He had brushed his hair with his fingers and now they were all over the place. “I love our friendship. I do. I don’t want to ruin it. I hope I don’t by doing this. It’s even more complicated because we’re going to work together for two more films and that’s going to be weird, right?” He stopped pacing and looked at me “Having me like you? Because I’m going to like you until then, I think. I feel like I will, you know? It’s not going away. I mean, not to scare you, it’s just having you around makes me, so..so happy and you said you know, if it makes you happy and you really do that to me Z. You’re like fucking sunshine and I—“

I threw myself at him, or more accurately, I threw my lips unto his to shut him up. I couldn’t help it. All this pining and waiting, trying to make sure that I wasn’t going to risk our friendship when this whole time he had felt the same way.

His lips were soft like how I imagined clouds felt like when they looked the way they did when riding an airplane. There was so much longing in the way our lips touched not only my part but I could feel it in him too as he pressed a little harder. We would part for a millisecond catching our breaths then our lips would meet again. I held his face between my hands and towered over him but I felt like he was enveloping me. I could feel his heartbeat pulsate in sync with mine like it was running a marathon. He had wrapped his arms around my waist and I swear, I could have gone on like that forever.

When we pulled apart I could feel a tingly sensation on the spot where his lips were and it cascaded to the rest of my body, like a warmth, like how you drink hot chocolate and the heat flows through you. Our foreheads touched and bit the bottom of my lips. All this worrying and time wasted. If only I had done it sooner.

“I like you too, Tom,” I whispered. But it doesn’t matter because we have now, we have this.

Tom had this wide ass grin on his face and his ears a shade of magenta. I’m not ashamed to say that I, too was smiling ear to ear and I felt like my jaw was going to drop any second from the strain. “You should go. You’re going to be late.” I gave him a little push that caused him to stumble a little like he was in a daze. “I’ll text you.”

“Okay.” He mumbled, barely audible enough to hear. He slowly turned and then stopped midway. He turned to look at me and said, “You’ll wait for me right?”

“Yeah. These feelings won’t change, trust me.”

“Okay...I’ll call you.”

“Okay.” I nodded. He planted another kiss on my lips that took me by surprise. 

“For the road.” He said as he shrugged. I shook my head and laughed. He held my hand and tugged it a little as he went away. I watched him as he walked to his car knowing that when he comes back, things were going to be different, but in a good way. In the best way possible. He turned around again.

“GO! You’re late already! Harrison is going to kill you!” He replied to my hollering by flashing me his biggest smile and I felt my heart trying to leap out of my chest wanting to follow him. He moonwalked backward to his car like a nerd and I chuckled. God. I love this, nerd.

“SEE YOU SOON, LOVE!!!” he shouted and my eyes widened hoping the neighbors didn’t hear him but I caught myself, remembering that I didn’t care about what others thought. Thomas fucking Holland likes me back. HAHA SUCKAS.

“I’LL BE HERE, BOO!!” I shouted back. I didn’t know his smile could grow any bigger but it did and I felt the butterflies in my stomach go chaotic. Even if I know that our situation is only going to make me miss him more, I was excited for when the time comes that we’ll see each other again and I’ll be his. And he’ll be mine.

“Finally…” I jumped. It was Darnell. 

“How long have you been standing there?” He didn’t reply but instead was smiling at his phone. “Darneesha! I’m talking to you!” 

“I just won myself twenty bucks!” still not looking up from his phone.

“You bet on me?”

“No I bet on Tom. Your mom bet on you. I knew it was gon’ be Tom!”

“I don’t believe this!” But I was too happy to be annoyed. Finally, indeed.


End file.
